By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

On a cloudy October morning, a shadowy figure skulks down the halls of Bishop State Community College’s Southwest Campus in a pink suit. The figure moves tentatively, looking from side-to-side, as if to make sure no one is following. It stops outside the office door of campus director David Thomas and the door swings open:

“May I help… Dr. Kennedy! What are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation,” Thomas sputters, surprised to see Bishop State president Yvonne Kennedy in his office.

“Oh, I am still on vacation David. I just came to seek your advice,” Kennedy said.

“Man, you sure get a lot of vacation time. It seems like you’ve been on vacation for a month already. That must be pretty sweet.”

“David, my vacation status isn’t really what I came here to talk about. I need your help.”

“What can I do for you Dr. K? Just name it. You stuck with me during my troubles and I owe you big time. How can I help?”

“Well David, you’re the only person I know who has, well, how should I put this… been dragged through the mud publicly. You know, what I mean – had news stories run about you every day and people saying you should be in jail, folks cursing your name…”

“I get the picture Dr. K. So how can my disgrace benefit you?”

“You may have noticed I’ve been in a wee bit of trouble lately.”

“I heard something about it, but I don’t really read the papers much anymore. They kind of make me angry. What’d you do?”

“Why David, I didn’t do anything! I’m being persecuted because some people claim several individuals received student loans and financial aid when they didn’t deserve it.”

“You mean they weren’t financially eligible to qualify for student loans, Dr. K?”

“No, it’s more like they were employees who didn’t actually go to class, like say, maybe a 77-year-old amputee who supposedly got credit for playing varsity baseball, basketball and softball. But there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Hey, I think I remember that lady! She pitched a no-hitter a couple of years ago, didn’t she?”

“I’m pretty sure she didn’t since she was missing limbs and was in her 70s, David. But that’s not the point. Because she and a few other people got some financial help, there are a lot of folks calling for me to step down as president. Me! And after only 25 years! Can you imagine that?”

“Oh my, that would be terrible! You’re the only one who would have kept me around after all the trouble I got into last year, Dr. K. We’ve got to get you out of this!”

“That’s exactly why I came to you, David. I know you’d be the only one who could understand what I’m going through.”

“So tell me what we’re dealing with, Dr. K. First and foremost, have you had any press conferences or interviews?”

“Only one or two and they were very short. Mostly I just took the opportunity to accuse the media of trying to railroad me and didn’t answer many questions. And there were some nice pre-printed signs for everyone to hold up and waive for the TV cameras.”

“That’s good. Whatever you do, don’t talk to the media. Don’t explain anything to anyone and blame the newspapers and Bob Grip for all your problems. Bob Grip looks like a troublemaker. That’s what I’d do. Now, have you played the ‘race card’ yet?”

“Subtly. I’ve made a few references here and there and showed up at a few black churches so the preachers could denounce the people investigating me and the media.”

“That’s good, that’s good. Now besides the financial aid for amputees and such, are there any other potential legal problems, Dr. K?”

“Apparently Thomas Corts, the state’s interim chancellor for the two-year system, is all wadded up about how we spent $94,000 in legislative discretionary money I funneled into my slush fund, er I mean the Bishop State Foundation. I told him the money was spent to assist in the development of The Best Grill, which is a restaurant for our culinary arts students. But they say none of that money went to the restaurant.”

“Did it?”

“Oh David, who knows, there are always two blank, pre-signed checks waiting around for me to use on whatever I see fit. It’s hard to keep up. What does it matter anyway? It’s my legislative money! I can spend it any way I want. If I want to dump it into my foundation, it’s my right. If I want to give my niece a scholarship with that money, it’s my business! I’ve run this place for 25 years! Why are the messing with me now?”

“Tell me you didn’t buy any Mardi Gras throws with that money, Dr. K!”

“No beads, cups or doubloons, David.”

“Whew! You should be OK, then. They hate when you spend public money on throws, let me tell you.”

“So you think it’s going to be OK, David?”

“Just don’t ever admit anything, maintain innocence even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary and take out a big loan to pay your lawyer. Oh, and you might want to go to rehab, it’s the trendy thing to do these days.”

“That’s good advice, David, except the rehab part. You got any other advice?”

“Well, if you’ve still got any vacation time left – take it!”

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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