Internal Ramblings

By Amanda Hardy

Lagniappe staff

Since the day Job was pelted by God with cosmic disasters some thousands of years ago, people have always asked why bad things happen to good people. I even attend a philosophy class at the University of Mobile entitled “God, Evil, and Suffering” which attempts to consolidate the idea of God with the gut-wrenching reality of genocide and Paris Hilton (a fitting class to take during my last semester of suffering through college).

There are numerous ways to resolve this conflict, including questioning the goodness and powerfulness of God, but suggesting that within 100 yards of a church (virtually anywhere in Mobile) provokes sneak attacks by Southern Baptist ninjas. Regardless of which philosophical stance you take on the issue of God and evil, none of it matters until you are in the gutter with everyone else whose life sucks.

I realized this when I went to see “The Last Kiss” with my boyfriend. In this eerily existential Zach Braff movie, Jenna and Michael, a seemingly healthy couple, go through one of the worst crises imaginable for a relationship. Thanks, Zach. You really know how to make a girl depressed and paranoid.

Jenna and Michael, though, don’t cling to their philosophy or theology when their lives are shattered. They cling to life: they go to work and eat ice cream sundaes despite their pain. No explanation for their hardships made any sense aside from the blanket claim of faulty human reasoning, but they didn’t ask for an explanation. The whining all of a sudden seemed irrelevant, and desperate action became a priority.

There goes my future. Goodbye, sanity. The field I devoted four years of my life to means absolutely nothing to people living in the real world. Philosophy may sound like an ambitious major, but it makes as much difference as a fifth grade spelling bee to people who get cheated on.

Since I will have finished this bogus degree in December, I have to decide what to do with it. I knew it was a useless degree in the first place; who wants to hire a philosophy major? I didn’t know, however, that I couldn’t single-handedly solve the world’s problems with my superhuman, life-changing piece of glorified paper otherwise known as my diploma.

So, in January, with shiny paper in hand I will embark on my search for a job. Although few jobs are worthy of my skills learned as an undergraduate philosopher, there is certainly one job I can do well with my nice, new degree: janitorial work.

No other job will give me the opportunity to contemplate the philosophical issues of life like mindlessly scrubbing toilets and floors. Also, there is already a high concentration of philosophy degree holders in this line of work. I may actually wind up working with a fellow philosopher, which would fulfill my lifelong dream of discussing Kierkegaard over a bleach-laden mop bucket.

Janitorial work may be tailored for those with philosophy and other such useless degrees, but my goal is actually set a little higher. My degree alone may not be enough to merit hiring me for this position, but my experience at the Lagniappe will give me the edge on the competition.

Dr. Zodiac, I’m after your job! I can read the stars just as well as the mysterious doctor who writes those mindless horoscopic blurbs. Philosophy will provide no aid in my pursuit of being an astrologer, but I have gained quite a bit of experience in assembling nonsense words to make sentences, which is basically the bulk of Dr. Zodiac’s job. As long as I include the name of a city politician or B-list celebrity in every horoscope, I’m pretty sure they will pass Rob and Ashley’s standards.

Another profession I might consider is police records personnel. I visit the records office every day to glean the amusing police reports for the Police Blotter, and I have observed the ladies employed in that office for an extended period of time. They seem to be especially astute in flirting with police officers and communicating with the mentally challenged people that come in for police reports and background checks.

Although this has less to do with philosophy than the previous professions, this sounds like a job I could do with relative ease. This would also be a great opportunity to make fun of the next Lagniappe intern who has to trudge into the records office everyday.

If all else fails, I can continue to brew coffee and wipe tables at Carpe Diem. I’m sure my caffeine-addicted customers would love to hear me explain Aristotle’s “Metaphysics” over a good latte. It seems my education in philosophy is actually preparing me to be an extremely boring cashier.

I owe many people for contributing to my dream to graduate with a useless degree. Thank you, Aristotle, for intriguing me to the point of disregarding any profession that involves much money. Thank you, Zach Braff, for putting the idea in my head that every time my boyfriend leaves my house he’s seeing another woman. And thank you in advance, Merry Maids, for considering my application. I forgot to mention in my resume what a bang-up job I do on windows.

Amanda Hardy is Lagniappe’s beat-down intern. E-mail her job offers at editor@lagniappemobile.com

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