Dr. Zodiac

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your daily life starts to remind you of Dilbert comics. You decide to relive your college days by crashing all the Greek Week parties. Drinking yourself into a puking frenzy, you are stranded on campus for the night. You attend a biology class the next morning for old time’s sake. Dilbert comes to mind again, and you go into a deep depression because you realize life sucks on both ends.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) -Upon hearing that Tony Blair has stepped down, you begin your campaign for British Prime Minister. You send annoying messages to every British person you can find on MySpace. The picture of you in your underwear caressing snakes merits so many complaints that you are kicked out of the popular social networking system. You are mercilessly attacked by a swarm of fleas in your sleep.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -The new season of “Survivor” in which different ethnicities compete inspires you. You make it a point every day to have an unannounced competition with someone of another ethnicity. You have a bowling tournament with an Eastern European gentleman and lose miserably. After repeatedly calling him a homophobic Nazi, you are banned from the bowling alley. Now how are you going to keep up with the latest in rented shoe fashion?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – There are only three months until Christmas, and holiday shopping has consumed your brain. You stock up on decorations from the endless supply at the Dollar Tree. To make room for your precious glittering Christmas cheer in the garage, you make other family members park in the yard. Irritated with your newfound passion, your spouse condemns you to sleep on the couch. You develop severe schizophrenic symptoms.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – After trying out many new hobbies, you decide filmmaking is your new obsession. You take your trusty camcorder to the local skating rink to practice some candid shooting. Recording an especially goofy fourth grader writhing awkwardly on skates to the Black Eyed Peas entertains you for hours. This also makes your YouTube.com ratings skyrocket. After watching too much National Geographic, you become especially paranoid about bear attacks.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) -The upcoming juvenile judge election has you on the edge of your seat, mainly because you don’t know where candidate Edmond Naman is going to follow you next. He’s harassed you at the grocery store, the auto mechanic, and Barnes and Noble. He even handed out brochures at your urologist appointment. Wearing garlic cloves and brandishing a wooden stake will likely keep this guy away from your path.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You decide to become a rumor mill after hearing all the hype about the development of downtown. Because of you, everyone at your office is talking about the new brothels going up on St. Louis Street and Royal Street, as if there aren’t enough in the Oakleigh District. Your neighbor has a seizure while wielding his chain saw and cuts off your electricity as well as your cat’s left hind leg.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – In an incredibly brain-dead moment you respond to the e-mail you continually get announcing your victory in the latest online sweepstakes. Giving out your name and address may have been harmless, but think next time before you give out your bank account, credit card and social security numbers. Before you know it, those pesky identity thieves rob you blind and announce your death to the local papers.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Due to your unruly amount of overdue books about pipe bombs, the Mobile Public Library taps your phone and reads your e-mail. On top of the endless voicemails reminding you of your fines, they turn you in to the FBI for suspicious circumstances. Tired of being relentlessly watched and followed, you move into a tent in Chickasabogue Park. Now even the squirrels seem to be spying on you.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Sean Sullivan’s last article on diet dog food has given you dreams of opening a pet fitness center. You start collecting mini trampolines and constructing cat-sized treadmills. After realizing this business will only thrive in Springhill, you research the cost of renting a building, and your dreams are shattered. After Starbucks bought the Gillette building for $750,000, only Donald Trump could afford to start a business in Springhill now.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- The continual feud between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton makes you long for your own celebrity arch-enemy. You begin writing threatening e-mails to Bob Saget and coin a sexually suggestive nickname for him. The former “Full House” dad responds with recommendations of counseling and medication; they made a new man out of him. He often e-mails you just to see how you’re doing. Looks like you picked the wrong celebrity to provoke.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – The alignment of Mars and Neptune leaves you colorblind. Coworkers laugh at your horrible fashion sense. Although this is not a new development, you also get pulled over for running a red light. You meet the subject of your next hot romance in traffic school, so the week isn’t totally unlucky. An acupuncture mishap leaves you with unsightly facial scars.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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