Dr. Zodiac

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – Every Halloween you plan a prank on unsuspecting teenagers who watch too many horror movies, and this year is no exception. Be careful this year, though. You don’t want to lose another finger in a chainsaw mishap. Stick to dramatic make-up and less harmful objects like rope. Silently stalking young girls in costume could be just as scary as threatening bodily harm if you do it right.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – To prepare people downtown for the developments of two-way streets, you start driving down Dauphin and Royal Streets in the wrong direction. After three accidents and $6,400 in damages to your car, you are sure you’ve done your job. The city of Mobile does not quite agree and still threatens to arrest you if you do not pay the traffic citations you acquired from your noble project.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Lacking Halloween plans, you sit at home to appease trick-or-treaters. Armed with a bowl of candy corn, you wait to delight children with your offerings. Boredom gets the best of you, and you start shoving the candy up bodily orifices to see how many will fit. After having a doctor dressed as a clown remove the confections from your body in the ER, you decide this wasn’t the best idea.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – As the recycling center passes out bins in Springhill to launch their free recycling program, you collect the bins for your own special plan. You build a giant robot out of the plastic receptacles and affectionately name him “The Jolly Green Robot.” It’s too bad that the electrical workings of the robot melted all that plastic. It would’ve been a really cool robot. Now stop hindering recycling in Mobile.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – The alignment of Saturn and Mercury causes your chronic physical ailments to act up. While bobbing for apples at a Halloween party, your TMJ kicks in. Your jaws tighten up around a juicy apple with no hopes of letting go. When life gives you lemons, make a lemon martini! Find a pig costume and attach yourself to a pole. “Pig on a spit” could be the best costume idea you’ve ever had.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – After taking twelve hours to read Hizzoner’s interview in the last Lagniappe, you become concerned about your regressing reading ability. You beg to get off work early three days a week to visit Sylvan Learning Center, but your boss refuses. You file a formal complaint with your company, but it is regarded as a hoax. It’s okay; this isn’t the first time Sam Jones has made you feel stupid.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – While visiting the farmers’ market at Cathedral Square this Saturday you get the urge to start a giant food fight. No one agrees to participate, but you persist in your endeavors by throwing bell peppers at the vendors. After being forcefully hit in the head with a pumpkin by a particularly pissed off vendor, you find yourself in Mobile Infirmary recovering from a concussion.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You realign your goals in life. You have a new goal of altering three Wikipedia entries per day to make every congressman a member of the North American Man Boy Love Association, in honor of Representative Mark Foley. After a week of your butchering biographies, Wikipedia sends you e-mails threatening bodily harm, so you immediately stop. Now for your new hobby: making a Halloween costume entirely of old underwear!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Since the FDA cautioned to avoid spinach because of an E.coli epidemic, you now fear making physical contact with all things green. In a pathophobic rage, you construct a pile of your houseplants and vegetables from your refrigerator and burn it while singing Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” You get a hefty fine when the fire department discovers your unauthorized fire and your cat contracts explosive diarrhea.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Madonna’s adoption of an infant from Malawi has inspired you to revive the destitute lives of other children. After being repeatedly turned down by international adoption agencies, you resort to kidnapping children of local underprivileged families. Hiding them in your basement with ice cream as their only nourishment does not qualify a improving their lives, though, and you should return them before the police catch you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – After being fired from your temporary position at the Halloween costume outlet, you petition every Christian haunted house alternative to let you be Satan in their scary evangelical skits. You get one reply, and they will only oblige you on a volunteer basis. Your mission for holiday cash is off to a bad start. Remember your back-up plan; there is a lot of money to be made in plasma donations!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – You still don’t have a good costume idea? Don’t forget about local or B-list celebrities. Tara Reid, Ann Bedsole, Clay Aiken, Mayor Sam Jones, or a street newspaper vendor are all great ideas. Start from there and add a scary theme, such as Ann Bedsole as a zombie or Clay Aiken coming out of the closet. By following this simple formula, you will be the hit of every costume party!

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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