By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

I must say life has instantly become very boring again. Oh sure, the semi-annual appearance of the McRib sandwich at McDonald’s is upon us, and that is indeed reason to celebrate. But thinking about the deaths of all those boneless pigs kind of makes me McSad, too. I digress….

Almost overnight – well, actually it WAS overnight – all the excitement died down. Election Day came and the fun is over. Sure, those lucky slobs who won their races are giddy as Rep. Mark Foley in the boy’s underwear section of J.C. Penney’s, but the rest of us are left with the hollow knowledge the races are over. And that means an end to the truly idiotic television ads that have dominated the airwaves for the past several weeks.

And that’s what’s got me down.

Frankly, I enjoy the hell out of those commercials. During election time, I watch the nightly news not so much to hear what the lovely Anissa Centers has to say, but to wait for a commercial showing a doctored picture of State Sen. Gary Tanner licking the double-dipped ice cream cone of public corruption. (Who knew Corruption Double Crunch would look like pistachio?) This year’s commercials were so outrageous, I almost fell out of my chair nightly with disbelief. (And alcohol poisoning. But that’s another matter.)

But after Election Day, it’s back to watching commercials about people’s E.D., indigestion, constipation or bad breath. Important? Perhaps. Interesting? Not compared to politicians calling each other thieves and liars. Politicians bashing one another is more compelling television than some impotence pill commercial where the grandkids show up just as granny and gramps are about to get biz-ay, interrupting a “special moment” that can still take place later thanks to Gramps’ longer-lasting E.D. pill. Barf!

Frankly, I’d much rather ponder whether we really want a hyperactive Chief Justice named Sue Bell than think about whether it’s appropriate for Gramps to be hanging around the grandkids after he just ate his Spanish Fly.

The commercials in this latest election cycle were probably the best I’ve ever seen in terms of entertainment value. There were just so many heated contests out there, the hatefulness practically dripped from the TV screen.

My favorite commercial of the season had to be the aforementioned spot bashing Sen. Gary Tanner as a “double dipper.” The ad didn’t even really explain exactly how Tanner was double-dipping, they just threw a photo of Don Siegelman out there next to a picture of Tanner, then replaced the photo of Siegelman with a big, green ice cream cone. (That’s the double-dipping part for any of you who can’t make the leap from dessert to corruption.) Then a giant, disgusting tongue shoots out of Tanner’s mouth and licks the cone. (I wonder who the tongue model was, Gene Simmons from KISS?)

I have to admit, that one had me howling with laughter, especially since it was such a silly ad. It was definitely more biting than Tanner’s rather standard ad drawing a connection between Ben Brooks and insurance companies. Next time, Tanner should have Brooks licking an insurance premium. That would have been funny. In fact, I hope we’ll see more ads in the future with candidates licking things.

The second best ad of the season was the one using a goofy fat guy to represent “Little Jim” Folsom, a not-so-goofy fat guy. The fake Folsom danced, sweat and generally looked like an idiot while the voice-over announcer gave us a rundown on all the reasons “Little Jim” is a scumbag. I was a little disappointed when I found out the fat guy was “canned” and had been used in other campaigns around the country. Still, it was completely tasteless, so it was a winner.

A size debate raged between Folsom and Strange, too. All this talk of “Big” Luther and “Little” Jim. Maybe the E.D. commercials aren’t so bad.

There were other memorable commercials. John Tyson cradling little Troy King’s photo and calling him a politician in a tone one might normally reserve for referring to someone as a pedophile, was one I enjoyed. Both Pat Lindsey and John McMillan looked so bad in their own commercials, it was hard to tell if the ad was for or against them. Those fellas definitely have faces made for radio.

Gone now are “Billion Dollar Bob,” Lucy Baxley photos that made her look like a duck in lipstick, Nancy Worley driving an SUV through a downpour of dollar bills and Drayton Neighbors and Sue Bell Cobb generally making us wonder if mental illness is a prerequisite for the Chief Justice position. It’s like a great TV show has been cancelled abruptly, just as we were getting to know the characters.

Sure, not every campaign delivered great smear TV. Lynn Stewart and Glenn Murdock both ran for Supreme Court without bashing their opponents, as did Congressman Jo Bonner. Jo really missed out by taking the political high road. He was facing an opponent in Vivian Beckerle who admitted to owning 18 cats. Jeez! Can you imagine what a great commercial could have had made with Beckerle surrounded by cats scratching her and hissing? Jo missed a once-in-a-political-lifetime chance!

Besides entertaining us, the overall brutality of these political commercials should make us question why anyone would want a job badly enough to endure such public humiliation. Thankfully, whatever their reasons, they do.

I suppose the comforting thing to remember in these empty times is half these people were elected, which means their goofy commercials will be back someday, bringing us more trash we can’t resist – kind of like the McRib.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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