Dr. Zodiac

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Inspired by news reports of genetically modified animals, you experiment with your pot-bellied pig and basset hound. After attempting to breed them, you not only realize they are both male, but you also suffer bruises and broken ribs, and your neighbors report you to the authorities for cruelty to animals. Thank God your tough ol’ pets showed no signs of harm, or you would surely be in the slammer now.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -Since the holidays are swiftly approaching, you search for a companion to share them with. You cannot bear the lecture which ensued the last time you visited your parents in your single state. After skimming the personal ads in the newspaper, you cannot stoop to introduce a stranger to your family, what with all those rapists and perverts running around. Develop a short-term illness to avoid the dreaded visit.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – On top of Myspace.com and online banking, increasing surveillance in stores causes you to fear the loss of your privacy. To combat identity theft, you create a new identity. You start applying for a new social security card and driver’s license, and you invest in wigs and masks from the Halloween outlet’s half-off sale. Those identity thieves will never get the best of you, now that you dress in drag everyday!

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – After seeing every film hosted by the Jewish Film Festival, you decide that Judaism is for you. You first plan of action is to regularly sport a yarmulke. You then incorporate terms like “menorah,” “dreidel,” and “anti-Semitism” into your vocabulary. You encourage people to educate themselves about Chanukah by watching Adam Sandler’s animated movie, “Eight Crazy Nights.” Now, if you could only find where they keep the matzah in Wal-Mart.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) -Now that the elections are over, you start your latest art project: a sculpture constructed from political road signs and bras you stole from the giant “Breast Cancer Awareness” tree in Bel Air Mall. You draw a picture of each candidate on his or her respective road sign and adorn it with an article of lacey underwear. Proud of intertwining art and politics, you redistribute the signs throughout Mobile.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Those pesky planets are out of alignment again, as is your love life. You are oblivious to why all your potential partners abandon you until you realize your apartment smells like dead rats. Cleanliness is not only next to godliness; it is also important to your future bedfellows. Clean your apartment as soon as possible, or you may never find a companion who will tolerate it.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – In a moment of pure insanity, you volunteered to host friends and family for the holidays this year. Although “What were you thinking?” is a valid question, the more important question is “What will you serve for dinner?” Your usual meals of TV dinners and potted meat will not likely meet their standards. The alignment of Saturn and Venus tells you the best move is to avoid canned foods.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Instead of doing your usual mundane tasks at work, you now use your office time to Google terms such as “Brangelina,” “bootylicious,” and ” firecrotch.” Although you can now create an elaborate presentation on the latest Hollywood slang, your boss is more concerned with your decreasing productivity. Send your resume to Paris Hilton; this is the only way to get paid for your newfound love of Hollywood and the Internet.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – The stars are frowning on you, and your luck has run out. You contract an abnormal digestive disease, the engine in your car explodes, and the mirror in your bathroom breaks. You drop your cell phone in the bay in a freak sailing accident, and your mom surprises you with a two-week long visit. Prepare yourself: secure all your locks and eat all your vegetables. It’s going to be a long week.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- The cooler weather has excited the pyromaniac in you once again. Neighborhood trash cans and small shrubs are set ablaze as you bring warmth to Mobile. Remember, arson is a serious crime. Try to contain the fires in your own yard, and keep them small. Warn the fire department is any get out of control. Singeing all the hair on your body was not the best look for you last year.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Your fetish for cottage cheese rears its head again. It wouldn’t be so bad if all you were doing was eating it and not getting so intimate with the dairy products. Keeping a cow in your basement is no solution, Old McDonald. Put down the churn and just say, “Ee-eye-ee-eye-NO!” Besides, you know that yogurt is your first love anyway.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – The Arts Alive! festival might have been more fun if you had managed to stay out of jail. Disrobing and asking children to paint your body in alternating colors of mustard, strawberry jam and apple sauce doesn’t qualify for a grant but certainly wins the prize in the hoosegow juried exhibition. A new benefactor is found in prison, though, when your performance piece “Soap on a rope gives me hope” solicits wild approval. Too bad this latest patron insisted on loaning his “new work” out to the gallery in the next cell block for a carton of smokes. Don’t fear, it brings “suffering for your art” to a new level.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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