Dr. Zodiac

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – Your imaginary friend is back in action, and there’s no stopping him this time. Although he does cause you to run red lights, be late for work, and scorch your TV dinners, you have to make up better stories for these incidents; no one believes your imaginary friend stories. If you would just make some real friends, you wouldn’t need to project a fake friend who always screws up your life.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You feel a renewed happiness this week as you ponder your latest dream come true: the Britney Spears and “Federjerk” divorce. You cut your shrink time to once a week, and you are actually capable of semi-ordinary interaction such as grocery shopping. Don’t plan your blowout celebration yet, though. Although the princess of pop may be getting back on her feet, you have miles to go before you can socialize normally.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – In anticipation of Nancy Pelosi being elected as Speaker of the House, you opt to show your support by means of a new tattoo. Tattoo artists can do amazing things these days, but even they have trouble making an unsightly subject worthy of the human body. Think twice before having Pelosi’s face permanently adorn your derriere. An encouraging phrase about women in politics may be equally uplifting.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – This week you will experience an intense episode of road rage. Keep all firearms and sharp object out of your vehicle and avoid streets like Airport Boulevard, Old Shell Road, and Dauphin Street. Taking out your frustration on the curbside newspaper peddlers will only land you with charges of manslaughter. Look into some prescription medicine to decrease the affects of your abnormal anger, and remember to be kind to your fellow drivers.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – To celebrate Nichole Richie’s long-awaited weight gain, you construct a life-size wire hanger sculpture of her and display it in your front yard. As luck would have it, your Hollywood debutante likeness also doubles as a trap for woodland creatures and stray cats. Although healthy celebrities should be celebrated, cruelty to animals is not cool. Release your furry friends from their impaled state and send Richie a nice e-mail instead.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – The movie “Borat” has taken your love life by storm. Borat’s dedication to marrying Pamela Anderson has inspired you to persevere in your pursuit of love. You create a giant net from your mother’s old pantyhose with which to catch those would-be spouses roaming the streets. Remember, ambition isn’t always healthy. Deportation was the result of Borat’s attempt at love, and your antics could bring about similar consequences.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Now that Congress is once again in the hands of the Democrats, it is time to revamp your congressional letter to include items these progressive democrats will be more likely to pass. Remember: wording is important. For example, instead of asking for the legalization of prostitution, suggest the government support the practice of sexual therapy. They will also be more receptive to National Physical Freedom Day than National Nudity Day.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – The time to shop for Christmas gifts is upon you, as is the knowledge of your potential bankruptcy. Don’t forget, the best presents are the ones you make yourself. Unwanted possessions can also serve as gifts. Consider the moldy cheese in your refrigerator. Who wouldn’t want a homegrown supply of Penicillin? Old cat food cans are easily refurbished as ashtrays. The possibilities are endless.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You are having a difficult time letting go of soon-to-be-former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. You decide to cope with your overwhelming grief by starting a tribute band. Although the Donald Rum and Cokes, as you cleverly call yourselves, have no hope of ever getting a gig with such little experience, you still enjoy crooning Rumsfeld’s glory days outside of Blu Rabbit’s Paradise.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – The fall of Ted Haggard has caused you to develop religious paranoia. What if every person that offers to pay you for sex is actually an undercover Baptist preacher? You have no choice but to move your brothel and methadone lab away from a local church and back into Hillsdale. The market might be smaller, but in the long run it will keep you and your business out of the media.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – The congruence of Uranus and the non-planet Pluto will cause a reoccurrence of the bout of Tourette’s Syndrome you suffered from as a teenager. Try to keep the twitching and verbal expletives to a minimum by avoiding stressful situations. It may be helpful to call in sick to work more often and stop harassing big rig drivers at truck stops. Fewer instances of potential physical harm will make a significant difference.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – The approaching wedding of Tom Cruise will ignite in you a preoccupation with scientology. After discovering scientologists deem psychiatry as evil, you decide becoming a scientologist is the best way to get your psychiatrist off your back. Instead of canceling appointments and avoiding his phone calls, you continue to see your shrink to tell him how sinful his practice is. This isn’t the best idea since he increases your Valium prescription.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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