Dr. Zodiac

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – It is once again time for your office Christmas party, and it is important that you keep you inebriated antics to a minimum to keep your current job. It may have been fun in the past to play drinking games with your coworkers and feel up your boss’s spouse, but it is time to enjoy a Christmas party like a mature adult. Stick to small amounts of wine, and talk about local politics and global warming.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – With all of the hype over Jessica Simpson’s alleged sex tape, you devise a scheme to “lose” your own sex tape and stage a lawsuit. The only problem is you have to find some poor person who loathes themselves enough to have sex with you on tape. Since this is not likely, you should probably keep working on your pyramid scheme. Better yet, you could try getting a real job.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – The success of the new James Bond movie, Casino Royale, has inspired you to become a secret agent and get into shape by taking pole-dancing classes. After a bit too much interaction with the pole, you wind up in an embarrassing doctor’s appointment discussing your groin injury. Due to shock, your doctor may not inform you, but you should use ice generously to avoid unsightly bruising.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) -Thanksgiving was a traumatic time for you, and you still have nightmares about family functions. You decide to become a hermit for Christmas, complete with way too many pet cats. The pet shelter applauds your lofty pet adoptions, but your family is furious at your antisocial attitude. Consider sending them a fruitcake to ease their nerves. Everyone loves a nice brick of fruitcake.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – The alternating friendships and catfights between Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Britney Spears have your head spinning. To keep up with these Hollywood dilletantes, you construct paper dolls of the girls to keep up with their fist-flinging feuds. After angrily ripping apart your Nicole Richie doll in an anti-anorexia rage, the neighbors call the police because they suspect domestic abuse. It will soon be time for a new hobby to channel your anger.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – You can barely sleep wondering what’s going to happen next with the Alabama coaching situation. In fact, you’re so nervous, you’ll start sneaking into the kitchen and powering down half gallons of chocolate chip mint ice cream every night until you resemble Newman from “Seinfeld.” But make the best of the situation. Paint the team colors on your huge belly and make a fool out of yourself at the game.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Sagittarius has a special gift for you – a punch in the nose! Remember to duck when you see him coming! Inspired by school board genius Hazel “Don’t Say Nothin’ Bad ‘Bout Me” Fournier, you’ll adopt a new policy around your house that anyone who criticizes you must sleep outside for a week. Your new policy will be roundly criticized by those who live with you. Kick ‘em out!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You’ll be poisoned nearly to death after eating ground beef purchased at the Catherine Street “Crack Dixie” that tastes like bleach and soap suds. Fortunately, it’s nothing new to you, since you always shop there and usually get food poisoning. Your body’s getting used to it, and in fact, you’ll soon be able to eat nothing but rancid meat. Thank goodness you’ve got a great place to shop! Dreams of playing professional golf are crushed by your lack of skill. Sorry, loser!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – The recent spate of TV news reports busting unclean restaurants or those serving fake Angus beef has you terrified of eating anywhere but home. Quit being a sissy and get out there and enjoy. Most places are just fine. Just don’t eat anywhere you see a TV news van out front! A very drunk acquaintance will soon experience a major failure, but will be too intoxicated to notice. Make sure you point it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Your excitement over the Mobile Press-Register’s coming weekly fake alternative newspaper is palpable. You can’t get enough bland news in the daily and look forward to a whole new source of uninspired writing. Your wish will be fulfilled. The departure of WPMI weatherman David Glenn has you weeping uncontrollably. Turn off the waterworks and switch your allegiance to another meteorologist. It’s just got to happen.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – The city is tearing up your street to “improve drainage,” but you’re not buying that story. You know it’s really the government putting in listening devices so they can hear what you’re saying about that idiot George Bush when you’re talking to Aunt Agnes. Expect a knock at the door late some night soon! Christmas shopping takes a turn for the worst when you actually assault a handicapped woman over the last gaming system in the store. Apologize and move on.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – The neighbors are harassing you to join in the Holiday spirit and adorn your humble house with lights again in their ruthless war for the brightest house, but you don’t have the time or the energy. Instead, consider joining the war by sabotaging their lights display. Tripping their breakers or putting lingerie on the characters in their nativity scene are nice ways to engage in the holiday tradition of decorating competitions.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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