Dr. Zodiac

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Well, you won’t be getting a lump of coal in your stocking this Christmas, but you will get a lump on your head as the bouncer at a local club has to toss you to the gutter on Christmas Eve because you won’t go home. Save the overindulgence until after celebrating the Lord’s birth, please. A viewing of the old claymation “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer” leaves you with some questions about Yukon Cornelius’ sexuality.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You were expecting a new car for Christmas, but ended up getting a membership to a gym instead. Take the hint, fatty. Santa’s not the only one whose belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly. Please wait a few months to wear that new two-piece exercise outfit, though. Some of us are still trying to digest Christmas dinner. Santa thought your cookies sucked.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and start warming up for your annual New Year’s Eve Drunkathon and Pre-Apology Spectacular. This year you’ll even top your antics from past years, which is no easy task. I won’t ruin the fun ahead of time – suffice it to say you’ll end up buying your spouse jewelry and a neighbor a new waterbed. An elderly relative doesn’t think enemas are a funny Christmas gift.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You’re so geeked-up about Taylor Hicks, you’ve decided to give everyone you know a copy of his new CD. The plan would work fine if you didn’t try to save a few bucks buying the CDs from a guy selling them out of his trunk outside Bel Air Mall. Several friends will stop calling you after hearing a version of “Me So Horny” on the faux Hicks album. Another hint, that diamond ring you bought from the same guy’s trunk – flush it.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – All you want for Christmas is the Crimson Tide to get a new coach who doesn’t make you want to tear your intestines out every Saturday for the next three years. Help is on the way. The University of Alabama will soon settle on a candidate who makes you giddy with excitement. Celebrate by painting your body crimson and refusing to wash it off through the holidays.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Stop being one of those idiots who gets offended if someone wishes you “Happy Kwanza” or “Happy Hanukkah.” Being offended when someone is trying to offer you a sincere holiday wish is completely childish. But if you must, make up your own holiday name and wish those folks right back. A co-worker’s ambiguous sexual identity leads to a very awkward moment under the mistletoe.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Shopping online this Christmas season has been a lifesaver in some ways, but could present trouble in others. Yes, you got your shopping done in record time, but along the way your identity was stolen four times and you inadvertently signed up for about 12 record/CD clubs. Then again, even having your identity stolen seems worthwhile compared to driving down Airport Boulevard in Christmastime traffic.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – A couple you know would like to make you the meat in their “Married People Sandwich.” Don’t let them. Somebody in the group has a medical problem, and it ain’t arthritis. If you’re dying for some sexual misadventure, drive around down with no pants on until you hit one of the holiday police roadblocks. That should be interesting. Your new favorite Pop Tart flavor will be – cinnamon.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Someone you know is stealing pills out of your bathroom every time they come over. Replace normal pills with cyanide and you’ll catch your culprit. Sure, there may be a little explaining, but grand juries can be rather forgiving. Trust Dr. Z on that one. Mrs. Dr. Z didn’t exactly die in a freak SCUBA accident in our swimming pools like the papers all said. A worthless freak needs your love this holiday season.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Your decision to decorate your Christmas tree with feminine hygiene products as a joke backfires badly when Brian Johnson from NBC 15 shows up to do a story on your “Christmas Douchetree.” After the story airs, you will be reviled in the neighborhood and sued by the Massengil company. On the bright side, your tree will never experience that not-so-fresh feeling.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You long to become one of the Mobile Press-Register street hawkers who sells newspapers in the middle of busy streets, but you’re not sure you have what it takes. First of all, you’re not certain your body odor is strong enough. Trust me, it is! But most importantly, you’re not sure you can take a Volvo shot on the hip and still keep selling papers for 50 cents apiece. There’s only one way to find out. Have someone run over you with a Volvo. If you’re still alive, head down to the P-R and apply.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Your kids are terrified to sit on Santa’s lap, but you’re not. You’d like to give the old goat the thrill of his life by plopping down on his knee and tickling his whiskers a bit. Before you do that, though. Remember your therapy and the way your family was embarrassed after you asked the mall Easter Bunny to try to hide a dozen eggs in your clothes. The holidays are stressful enough without having to visit someone in the state hospital.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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