Dr. Zodiac

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You’re still trying to live down the Christmas gift you gave your spouse. The thought was good, but the execution was poor. Just try to remember in the future, cubic zirconia is not the same thing as a diamond, and at $10 ring is not just a “great bargain.” Some serious kissing up will be required before you’re allowed back into the bedroom. Your New Year’s resolution – be less fat.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You’re super excited about the new year because it’s ‘07 and, as everyone knows, seven is a lucky number. But really, isn’t that a little silly? Lucky numbers are childish, unless you get them off the back of a fortune cookie message. Still, count on this year being a good one for you, as long as you keep the body hair thing under control. Your New Year’s resolution – stop picking your nose in the car.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You’re still puzzling over the meaning of the Christmas gift given to you by your lover. What is someone trying to say when they give you a George Foreman Lean Mean Grillin’ Machine as a present? Maybe what it says is that it’s time to cut bait on the relationship. Unless you want a Fry Baby for Valentine’s Day. Your New Year’s resolution – fewer alcohol-induced blackouts.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – The interminably long search for a new head football coach at Alabama is driving you nuts. You want you some Nick Saban and you want him now! Take matters into your own hands. Drive down to Miami and woo that coach the way only you could woo him. Bama nation will thank you, as will a well-satisfied Mr. Saban. Your New Year’s resolution – no more freaky midget sex.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – New Year’s Eve was especially exciting with all the excessive drinking and groping of strangers, but now you’re paying the price. As if the four-day hangover wasn’t bad enough, it seems some nasty rumors have started making the rounds. You don’t remember much about the evening, but you’re pretty sure you never asked party guests to eat meatballs out of your bellybutton. Lay low for a while. Your New Year’s resolution – stop stalking John Edd.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – The announcement that Mobile will soon be home to a fancy new racetrack has you geeked up. You’re sewing patches onto all your clothing and trying to grow a bushy Dale Earnhardt-style mustache. But don’t let your enthusiasm get the best of you. Some of your driving habits of late are becoming rather risky. And constantly timing the full-service folks at Griffith Shell is annoying the owners. Your New Year’s resolution – two words: breath mints.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Jupiter is in ascension, which can only mean one thing, you’ll soon be going on a blind date. This time your date will actually speak English! So that’s a bonus. The unfortunate part of that equation is that you’ll be able to understand the horrible things your date is saying. You’ll be completely revolted, but still go in for some meaningless sex at the end of the evening, because you’re hard up. Your New Year’s resolution – stop acting like you forgot your wallet all the time.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- In this new year, you’re determined to shed your reputation as a pitiful loser with poor social skills. The easiest way to do this is through karaoke. Start showing up at every karaoke night in town and wowing everyone with your incredible rendition of “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club. Be sure to do that goofy Boy George dance when you sing it. You’ll have dorky friends in no time. Your New Year’s resolution – at least learn another Culture Club song.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Your snapper-headed boss will be fired soon, opening the way for you to make more money and to jerk people around. Prepare for this dream situation by sucking up to the president of your company. Show up unannounced in his office with cups of expensive coffee and wash his car on your lunch break. Trust me, it’ll work. Everyone loves a brown-noser. Your New Year’s resolution – get to know a Press-Register street hawker.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – An ex will call in the next few days asking an outlandish favor. Agree to do the favor, but then don’t follow through. Sure, it’s petty and spiteful, but so are you. You are what you are! A neighbor can see you showering at night and is video taping it for a Web site he’s building. The only way to stop him is to set fire to his house. Your New Year’s resolution – capture Osama.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You’re dreading taking down the damn Christmas tree again, so there’s a good chance it may hang around in the living room until mid-summer, or until it catches fire. If you really want to make things easier, just toss the whole thing out in the street with all the ornaments still on it. Face it, buying some tinsel and glass balls next year is a lot easier than trying to repack all that junk. Your New Year’s resolution – stop requesting “Brown-eyed Girl” from guitar players in bars.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your breasts are distractingly large, but are also conversation starters. The situation is maddening. People want to talk to you, but then never pay attention as they gaze into your cleavage. Keep those puppies covered up and this may not happen as much. There’s a reasonable chance you may have to strangle someone in the next week. Be prepared. Your New Year’s resolution – no more McRibs.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives