Dr. Zodiac

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – OK, we’re only a few weeks in and you’ve already broken all of your New Year’s resolutions. There are two ways to look at this. You can view it as a complete failure, or you can pat yourself on the back for making it this far. After all, you were trying to give up a bunch of things you really, really like doing. Why? Next year, resolve to give up things you only like a little bit.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – The Senior Bowl will once again prove a fertile ground for your sleazy sexual habits as you make your moves on Tampa Bay Buccaneers Coach John Gruden. At least the guy you hook up with says he’s John Gruden. You’ll be too plowed to ask for an ID or even a Bucs visor. Hopefully things will go better this year. The guy who said he was Tom Landry last year never called. At least you got a nice hat out of that one, though.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You’re spending far too much time removing body hair these days. Not that Dr. Z is encouraging you to “go native.” It’s just that you might be a bit overzealous with the tweezing, plucking, shaving and lasering. You’ll hit rock bottom when you fill a bathtub with Nair next week and honestly consider a full body bath. Don’t do it! Trust me, it stings like you wouldn’t believe. Vegetables prove to be erotic.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your Auburn-loving neighbor keeps trotting out some lame gloat about Tuberville beating Saban the last time they met, and it’s really getting under your skin. You’ll boil over in the coming days when he mentions it again. Things in the neighborhood will get pretty icy when you pour sugar into his gas tank – for the Sugar Bowl, of course. Just remember, some people don’t appreciate irony. Especially when it ruins an engine.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’ll become a Senior Bowl tent party legend this year with your special brand of stupid, drunken behavior. Not only will you throw up on one of the main sponsors, you’ll also ask his wife where she got her wig. It’s an ugly scene. Luckily Mardi Gras is just weeks away, so you’ll soon be forgotten. The new cleavage-baring styles have you excited but concerned about getting busted staring. Two words – mirrored glasses.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Nick Saban’s ridiculous contract still has you fuming! How could the Crimson Tide pay that guy $4 million a year when they have never offered you a dime for your expertise? After all, you’ve been calling the various radio coaches’ shows for the past several years and told Shula and the rest of those clowns everything they were doing wrong. That should be worth something. You’ll be tempted to withhold your vast knowledge from Saban, but won’t be able to in the end. The players need your help, even if it’s for free.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – The Gulf condo you’d hoped to “flip” by now is like an albatross around your neck, and you’re looking for a way out. Instead of taking a bath on the selling price, attempt to build interest in the property by allowing celebrities to stay there for free. I know, we’re a little short on the beautiful people around here, so you may have to settle for letting County Commissioner Steve “The Hammer” Nodine or school board member Hazel Fournier crash at your pad. Imagine how much that could drive up the price! Good luck!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- You’ve been running around turning all your neighbors in for having trash out too early, and it feels soooo good! But watch out! Some have figured out you’re the rat and they’re out to get you. Don’t be surprised if you get a few calls made on you in the coming weeks. And also don’t be too surprised if someone throws a bag of trash in your yard. People can be so testy. A colleague’s bad breath nearly sends your company into bankruptcy. Keep mints handy.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You lucked out last week. As the 13th Most Wanted person on the Mobile Police Department’s list, you just missed having your face splashed all over television, newspapers and the Web. Unfortunately, they caught a couple of the top 12, so that bumps you up a couple of notches. Still, deep down, you kind of take pride in being in the top 10. Maybe you should do something really bad to make a play for the top three. Give it a shot. Some people think you look like Jackie Gleason.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – In your mind, it’s totally unfair that slugger Mark McGuire didn’t get into the Baseball Hall of Fame just because he probably took steroids. Oh, everyone acts all surprised now that “Big Mac” was juicing, but the guy was the size of a school bus and hit 70 home runs in a year. But while you’re shilling for McGuire, please realize that deep down you’re just trying to make excuses for yourself in case anyone in the bowling league finds out you’ve been using Ben Gay to help your tendonitis.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Some new threads help you feel sexy in the coming days. Those new duds let your undies hang out in back and show your six-pack up front. Make sure that six-pack’s not more like a 12-pack before you break it out, though. Some sit-ups might be in order. Please fight the urge to speak with a Mexican accent every time you go through the drive-thru at Taco Bell. No one is fooled and someone is considering spitting in your burrito. Aries thinks you smell like Elmer’s glue.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You’ll find yourself lying excessively in the coming days. By excessively, I mean with just about every breath you take. Take care. These untruths could box you in. Remember, the truth will set you free. Although, it may also cost you a couple of relationships and a career. Ground beef purchased at the “Crack Dixie” on Catherine Street in Mobile will land you in the hospital. On the bright side, you will meet a very sexy health care professional who is not turned off by someone vomiting.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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