Dr. Zodiac

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – This Mardi Gras promises something special – a throw you’ve never caught before! You’ve caught just about every type of bead, moonpie and bauble they hurl from the floats, but this one will surprise and astound you. The glee of catching a new type of throw will be tempered when you realize size 48 men’s Fruit of the Loom tight whites aren’t something you’ll want to wear around your neck.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – As you head out to the first of the Mardi Gras balls this year, please try to remember your bad back when you’re dancing. You haven’t been able to move that way in about 15 years without having to eat 10 pounds of ibuprofen afterwards. Also, keep in mind that no one likes grapes thrown into their cleavage, especially from the 19th row of the upper deck of the civic center.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – The hostility of strangers will be visited upon you in strange, new ways in the coming weeks. Watch out for angry old men, drive-thru workers with an attitude and homicidal motorists. Apparently your new T-shirt featuring a hand with an extended middle finger isn’t the ice-breaker you thought it might be. Ditch it for your old faithful “Who Farted?” T-shirt and watch the anger subside only to be replaced by quizzical looks.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – The news that Hillary Clinton is running for president isn’t exactly a surprise to you, especially since you’re pretty sure she asked you to be her running mate. You’re a little hazy about the whole thing, since the two of you had been drinking a lot of tequila at the time and were in the throes of passion. Still, get your good suits ready to hit the campaign trail. She should be calling any day now.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Anger will make you do something very drastic next week when you see not one, but two, guys selling nuts at the intersection of Airport Boulevard and Government Street in Mobile. This used to the “The Peanut Man’s” spot, and you were OK with “The Nut Dude” moving in after the PM’s death. But two of these cats working the sacred corner is too much to take. The good news is the judge will understand when you explain why you ran over them.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Ever since you saw pictures of Gov. Bob Riley’s inauguration, you’ve been extremely excited about first lady Patsy Riley’s outfit and have been trying to copy it. When someone says you look like a red, velvet Zorro, you’ll know you’ve gotten it right. Be sure to wear rubber boots out to the parades this year. At some point, you’re going to have to go into a bar bathroom, and things could be very ugly indeed.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Every time Donald Trump makes fun of Rosie O’Donnel’s appearance, it makes you want to cry. Not because you think Rosie is great, but because you realize you look a lot like her. Worse yet, your lover looks just like The Donald. Break all your mirrors and get on with life. At least you don’t act like either one of those losers. Even more than a week after the Senior Bowl, you’re still suffering from eating tailgating food. Better stock up on the antacids.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – No sooner will the first parades roll through the streets than you will snap into your annual Mardi Gras persona – namely a person who likes to drink way too much and attempts to coerce others into taking off their clothes. Truth be known, this is much closer to the “real” you than the buttoned-down corporate citizen we all see the rest of the year. Maybe you should move to Rio and act a fool all year long.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – A good friend needs advice about love. Give that friend advice about proper dental hygiene first and perhaps love will follow. Halitosis is no friend of love, nor are discolored choppers . Your advice will ruin your friendship, but it will save your friend’s love life. Quite a quandary. Oh well, at least you won’t have to smell that nasty breath any more. Catch the first moonpie you see and good luck will be yours all year.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – A new pair of pants will have a near-miraculous effect on your life. Others will find your butt so much more attractive than before and your dance card will be filled. A promotion may even be coming your way, if you shake that money-maker enough. But beware! A tragic dry cleaning accident could ruin your new meal ticket. Perhaps you should only hand-wash your ass-enhancing duds. Clams become your new favorite food.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your dirty little secret is exposed! While you’re quietly trying to buy one of those heinous sausage dogs at the disgusting Mardi Gras kiosk that showed up over night last week, a group of co-workers see you. Your reputation takes a huge hit among this uber-judgmental crowd. You might as well have been seen eating garbage out of a dumpster. A career change may be the only way to rejuvenate your rep.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Mayor Jones wants you to Love Thy Neighbor, and you’re taking it literally. Sneaking over to the house next door to get it on with your hot neighbor probably isn’t what Mayor Sam had in mind, although the stars suggest he likes to get a little freaky from time-to-time. Things are going to get very complex when your neighbor’s spouse finds your undies left lying around. Expect a Shoot Thy Neighbor campaign to take place in your neighborhood soon afterwards.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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