Dr. Zodiac

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Bad news, it seems Fred “Hollywood” Barkley needs a new place to live and he’s picked your pad. It probably won’t seem completely horrible at first, but soon you’ll be forced into shaving his body parts and cutting his hair into an abominable mullet and dying it a color very popular among Waffle House waitresses. Then things will really get bad when he starts bringing home little boys and 90-year-old women. Best to just move and give him the house.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You’re terrified the records of all David Thomas’ phone calls to you will become public now that Thomas’ annual embarrassment has begun again. Even though you’re not a member of the school board or administration, you still worry you could wind up in trouble, since Thomas called you more than 1,000 times in the last six months. Mostly he was just asking for rides while his license was revoked, but still…. Eat a raw egg each morning for a lustrous coat.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – A moonpie eating contest will reveal the talent that has eluded you all these years. Who knew you could power down 10 banana moonpies in less than a minute? With this newfound confidence, things will really come together for you. Love, financial success, happiness and an attractive hair style will all be yours after you gorge yourself on moonpies in record time. An elderly relative has very bad gas.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Beware a runaway float during the upcoming Mardi Gras celebrations! You could get squished. If you are alert, though, you might be able to save the life of a rich Mobile socialite who will be so happy, she will immediately take you to Ruth’s Chris for a fancy dinner. Later, your socialite will get hammered in a seedy bar and drive you around town at 85 mph, scaring you into urinating on yourself.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – A terribly embarrassing moment will have you thinking about moving to Birmingham after a meatball mishap at one of the swankier Mardi Gras balls. Somehow, you’ll be responsible for accidentally rolling six meatballs into the sizeable cleavage of one of the members of the court. Worse yet, your drunken date will try to pluck them with a toothpick while the woman screams bloody murder.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You’re convinced you’re catching more beads and moonpies at Mardi Gras this year after having your teeth whitened. Your dazzling smile is a joy to the drunken maskers atop the floats and they can’t wait to hurl plastic trinkets at your glistening chompers. Go ahead, feel good about yourself for as long as it lasts. A well-aimed plastic lobster does some serious damage to your smile on Joe Cain Day. Ouch!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- After a night of drinking cheap wine, you throw caution to the wind and make a pass at one of Joe Cain’s Merry Widows — and it works! Before you know it, you’re getting biz-ay with the black-veiled widow behind a tomb in the Church Street Cemetery. Later, though, you’re a little fuzzy on what really happened and exactly who was doing what to whom. Perhaps anonymous Mardi Gras sex wasn’t that great an idea. Don’t tell anyone.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – WPMI News anchor Peter Albrecht saves your life after you accidentally swallow a doubloon during the KOR parade. As you’re choking and your life is draining away, a dashing figure rushes from the crowd and punches you in the stomach, launching the doubloon into the gutter as sweet air rushes back into your lungs. Albrecht lectures you briefly about putting things in your mouth, then wanders off into the night to do more good deeds.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Ash Wednesday will find you in a strange bed, covered with new tattoos and vomit and sporting a hair cut you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. In other words, Mardi Gras proves once again to be a complete success. Your friend from out-of-town isn’t so lucky, though. When police end up dragging the Bay for your buddy, you realize maybe those really were Hell’s Angels he was talking to at Veet’s.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You try with little success to start a new Mardi Gras tradition that will delight Mobilians for generations to come. After watching “Folly Chasing Death,” you decide there’s room for yet another signature carnival skit. Somehow though, “Stupidity Chasing David Thomas” doesn’t catch on. Perhaps because Thomas is too easily caught. Trust me, there is no lime-flavored moonpie. Do not eat anything green thrown from a float.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Folks will marvel at your Mardi Gras dancing when you break it down Old School and pull out the famed “Centipede” move from your high school years. As you gyrate on the floor, onlookers will be catapulted back in time to a happier day when teens in cut-off, sleeveless T-shirts and parachute pants performed at high school dances. You will be catapulted back to the present the next morning when you have to take 10 Donz Pills just to get out of bed.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – The most enjoyable moment in your personal Mardi Gras history will take place on Joe Cain Day while standing with friends in Spanish Plaza. Two rednecks with identical fire shirts will begin arguing about whose shirt looks better and a fracas will ensue. Your pleasure will come when two of Mobile’s finest come running and billyclub the brawlers into submission. While it’s not nice to take pleasure in others’ pain, in this case, it’s OK.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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