Dr. Zodiac

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Nothing says “psycho” like constantly showing up anywhere the object of your affection might happen to be. It’s hard to make it look like a coincidence after the third time in one day that you’re busted. Ease back on the throttle, Norman Bates! You’ve been watching has-been rapper Flava Flav on “The Flavor of Love” and can’t understand why someone that unattractive has women falling all over him. Hint: it’s the giant clock.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Learn to appreciate the little things in others and they will do likewise. For instance, if you want people to notice that you always have clean fingernails, perhaps you should notice someone else’s fingernails. Just make sure it’s not the guy at the tire shop! The unseasonable warmth has you longing for spring, but that’s doesn’t mean you should parade around in the front yard in your swimsuit just yet. Translucent skin ain’t attractive!

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)

This next week brings lots of sexual activity to your home. Unfortunately, it’s just the rats living in your wall who will be getting it on. Looks like you’re going to need an exterminator. Fortunately for you, you’ll have plenty of non-sex-getting time to call one. A friend learns your darkest secret and spreads it around! Don’t worry, Dr. Z knows your secret, but I’m not going to blab.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Your anger over a proposed Wal-Mart in Fairhope has you contemplating drastic measures. But setting yourself on fire in the field where the store is going won’t stop them, so don’t do it! Just think, your eternal soul might be stuck there in the middle of a Super Wal-Mart listening to rednecks guffaw about getting great deals on tires and Cheetos. Your soul would end up longing to be sent to Hell. If you’re against the Wal-Mart, just don’t shop there.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

A powerful pyramid scheme is threatening to suck you in. Don’t be a dolt! If you want to be involved in a pyramid scheme, there are plenty of folks selling Amway hanging around. Just join one of them. At least when you get screwed there, you have plenty of detergent and other household products left over. Finding a stray dog gives you a chance to help one of God’s creatures. I’m talking about the worms you get from the dog, of course.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Did you ever expect to be where you are in life? Of course not! By now you expected to be the lead singer of Van Halen. But that ship has sailed, and you weren’t aboard! And let’s face it, you never were David Lee Roth. Sammy Hagar? Maybe. Certainly you’re better than that Gary guy from Extreme who sang on one album. But you can’t hold Diamond Dave’s jock. But that’s no reason to be down on yourself. At least you’re not that loser from Extreme.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’ve heard a 10th planet has been discovered and you’re hoping they’ll name it after you. There’s a chance that will happen, but it’s slim. It’s going to require you sleeping with every astronomer in the United States, but you can do it. Sometime in the next week, County Commissioner Steve Nodine will attack you for being a liberal who is in cahoots with Mobile Bay Watch. Watch out, he’s got your number.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Ever since Mobile Mayor Sam Jones gave Rev. Al Sharpton a key to the city, you’ve felt a bit left out. Shouldn’t Mayor Sammy give you a little something for everything you’ve done? Absolutely. After all, you’ve falsely accused others of rape, incited riots that caused others’ deaths and wear ridiculous amounts of Geri curl. Where’s your key? Don’t fret, the mayor has his eye on you and a shiny key with your name on it.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Someone you know has gotten a really cool new pair of shoes, and they’re dying for you to comment on them. Don’t. Why encourage shoe hubris? Let your friend stew in her shoes and possibly start to think they really aren’t that cool. Isn’t that what friends are for? A pet’s bad breath problems could be cured if you get some odor eaters for your shoes. Fido likes licking your loafers.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

A sad “reality” sets in sometime this week while watching “Celebrity Fit Club 3.” At some point, you’ll realize that many of the former stars who are being ridiculed for being so fat, are actually in better shape than you are. Too bad you were never a child star or you could probably sign up for “Celebrity Fit Club 4.” A “Hagar the Horrible” cartoon will have great meaning in your life. Sad but true.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)

Ten Commandment Judge Roy Moore’s bid for governor has you very nervous. It’s not the fact that he’s a complete wacko that keeps you awake at night. You fear that as governor, he might actually have the power to add more commandments. And if “Thou Shall Not Touch Thyself That Way” ever shows up as the 11th commandment, you’re going to be in so much trouble. Stop worrying, even if Roy does win and gains that power, he’d never put something on there that would send him to hell, too.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

A dental problem has you hiding that dazzling smile of yours. See a dentist ASAP and get your choppers back in order. Nothing will kill romance or a business deal like some busted-up ivories. A friend needs your help, but doesn’t know it. Please tell her that a thong hanging out isn’t sexy on a woman who weighs 250 pounds.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives