Mobile Magnified

The Ash Wednesday rains began to cleanse Government Street of MoonPie wrappers and bodily fluids about the same time King Felix headed back to the Isle of Joy to get some much-needed rest before returning to declare misrule again next Mardi Gras -which is super early next year, by the way.

Anyway, as usual, you people did not disappoint the King or his loyal gossip columnist -yours truly – with your scandalicious and oh-so-misruly behavior. From the lowest of the low rednecks to the highest of the high Mardi Gras royalty, I got your scoop right over here.

Rednecks on Joe Cain – No!

A husband and wife, presumably “common law” and probably some of Citronelle or Kushla’s finest, were overheard fightin’ on Dauphin Street on Joe Cain Day,

It seems the ‘neck man had stolen some sort of large, inflatable Southern Comfort bottle from a LoDa establishment. The ‘neck woman (who was obviously brought up right) said to him, “I cain’t believe you stole that.” To which her lovin’ man replied, “Bitch, you would-a too if you seen it first.”

This angered the (obviously ethical) common law wife. So she said to her three young daughters (approximately ages 4, 5 and 6), “You nothin’ but a son-of-a-bitch. Come-mone girls, we gettin’ away from this son-of-a-bitch.” The little girls followed their mommy diligently away from the son-of-a-bitch.

Brittney Spears could take a lesson or two from this Mystical Mother of the Year.

A Royal Flush (of money down the toilet)

On the other end of the spectrum, several of my Mobile Carnival Association spies reported on the uber-extravagance of King Felix’s dinner Saturday, Feb. 17. Just to put things in perspective for you – the cost of an artifical heart – approximately $106,000. The cost of a Midtown home – around $119,000. The cost of the flowers used to decorate the Convention Center for our faux royal highness’ dinner – “well over $100,00 for the flowers alone,” according to one spy in the know.

Apparently the king’s fam’ had over 100 alpine trees specially flown in from Washington State to make sure they captured the true essence of his “Winter Wonderland” theme. It took four days to decorate for the gala. And when it came time to eat, guests dined on china specially made with his family crest on it. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would cost. We also hear the King’s royal momma should have never stopped smiling during this whole affair, as her smile really dazzled. Hmmmm. What does that mean?

Fat Tuesday Funk

Ron Jeremy on LoDa?

Porn king Ron Jeremy (or a man who vaguely resembled him) was allegedly spotted downtown on Fat Tuesday signing the sagging sin pillows of redneck women. Apparently he wrote “It may only be five inches but it’s thick.” Classy. Five inches? It was a little cold. Shrinkage, I suppose.

King Felix’s Drunken Knights of Nudity?

On Fat Tuesday, during King Felix’s parade, a local businesswoman standing with her daughter near the corner of Broad and Church was overheard saying how she hated the king’s knights because they are always so drunk. As they rounded the corner, one of the knights slurred to her little girl, “You a purty girl,” or something similarly incoherent. The woman just shook her head and said, “Yeah.”

I thought maybe she was being a little hard on the knights, but then someone sent me the above photo of a shirtless “knight rider,” and I just said, “Yeah.” Lancelot would be so proud.

And in other Knights of the Bar Table news, we hear “the fun, French” one was almost arrested for throwing something inappropriate from a float – we’ve heard everything from an ice chest to a Screwdriver (vodka & OJ – not the tool) from the float. So chivalrous! Apparently instead of going to the pokey, he was made to stay in his hotel room the rest of the day.

Spotted

Register editor Mike Marshall in the produce aisle “looking indecisive” at the Crack Dixie on Valentine’s Day…County Commish Steve Nodine at The Garage at just about every parade…A 7-year-old girl smoking a cigarette on the corner of Church and Broad on Joe Cain Day….Young girls baring all around Bienville Square on Fat Tuesday…WKRG’s John Nodar at Register Assistant Managing Editor Bill Finch’s, sopping up Finch’s delicious syrup with his equally delicious biscuits…A young girl with braces sitting “cheerleader-style” on someone’s shoulders teasing men on the balcony of Grand Central Fat Tuesday…Dorky guy getting pegged in the face with a box of “Marshmallow Pies” during the IM parade, breaking his glasses… Rowdy guys at the corner of Washington and Dauphin screaming at the Crewe of Columbus floats, “You throw like a Polka Dot…” Two obvious out-of-towners catching MoonPies outside The Garage during The Stripers parade. The wife asked, “What are these?” The husband responded, “Oh, I guess they are tasty Mardi Gras snack cakes…” A drunken Lagniappe editor singing and dancing on chairs in celebration of her 30th birthday at the Grayson Capps show at Callaghan’s on Joe Cain….A man in a white Chevy Blazer on Fat Tuesday on the corner of Dauphin and Hamilton getting his, um, Tuesday Fattened. The spywitness said it looked “enjoyable…” A woman getting stabbed in her head with a wooden corndog skewer by her boyfriend and people subsequently freaking out because they thought the ketchup dripping from her temple was blood.

Well, that’s all I got for this one, kids. With cook-off and crawfish season, not to mention St. Patrick’s Day nearing, I’m thinking Lent really won’t affect my gossip gathering this year.

But just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or just some plain ol’ “son-of-a-bitch,” lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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