Dr. Zodiac

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The Press-Register’s new “niche” publications have you hooked! The out-of-towners running these “ultra-local” publications have captured your fancy with their bland writing and safe story choices. If only they carried the “Ziggy” comic strip, they’d be perfect, in your opinion. Pretty soon, you’ll be proudly wearing your “Current” T-shirt and slapping a “Bay Family” bumper sticker on your Ford Taurus, becoming an emissary for these pretend cutting edge publications. An eggroll will cause you great sorrow.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Yes, Judge Charlie Graddick ruled David Thomas’ millions of phone calls to two women employed by the school system was not a violation, but maybe “Charcoal Charlie” didn’t have time to check your busted heart. The dashing DT let his fingers do the walking all over your tender heart. Forget about him and dial some of those 900 numbers where hot singles are chatting. But watch out for you-know-who – he likes telefornication.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’re feeling completely rooked, and you’re right to! During your time at Bishop State Community College, you were graded by other people. You had no idea you could grade yourself. Just think of all the studying you could have done away with if you were sending in the final grades! Lent is upon us, maybe this is a good time to give up your addiction to pain medication. Then again, that back could start to feel twingy at any moment. Better keep some handy.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Gov. Riley is trying to lure a German steel plant to Mobile, and you’ve got the plan. We’re dealing with Germans here, and you know how to lure Germans – beer and sausage. For just a few thousand bucks, the Gov. could set up a tab at Heroes Sports Bar so the Germans could drink all the beer and eat all the sausage they’d want. You’re sure owner David Rasp would go for it. He loves nothing more than drunken, sausage-filled Germans in his restaurant. Problem solved.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You’re still feeling a little upset over your Mardi Gras antics, and you’ve been in hiding now for a couple of weeks. Time to put all that behind you and get back out there. Remember, most people were probably just as drunk as you, even if they didn’t end up getting it on in a Port-O-Let with the guy dressed as McGruff the Crime Dog. Believe me, such things can be lived down. Dr. Z once spent a parade trying to catch a MoonPie in his butt crack. Ugly stuff.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- While the national media searches for Anna Nicole’s baby daddy, you know the truth. A lot of folks would probably be surprised to discover you’re the real father, especially since you’re not 100 years old and a billionaire. But you and “Nickie” had a shared love of Trimspa pills that transcended her need for really old sugar daddies. Once you made her your famous Trimspa Martini, it was on like Donkey Kong. But whatever happens, do not appear on “The Nancy Grace Show.”

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – The stars support your efforts these days, particularly your efforts to invent a hair-removal cream that is permanent. The stars are sick of seeing super-hairy dudes trolling around the beach in weenie-bikinis, looking like cave men. The stars would also support any plans you might have to ruin the “career” of Paris Hilton, although the stars cannot really understand exactly what she does. The stars will NOT support any efforts to improve your credit score, however.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your boss’ dog breath is becoming a huge problem, especially lately when he’s been leaning over your computer to show you things. All offers of breath mints are quickly rejected, and you’re at wit’s end. The only answer is to fight fire with fire. Stop brushing your teeth, eat lots of garlic and start smoking. It this doesn’t make him think about his own breath, at least it will probably drive him away. Or cause him to fire you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The real you comes shining through in the coming days, as your anti-psychotic medication begins to work. No more imagining you sandwich is telling you to kill the mailman, or that your dog is building an atom bomb in the shed. Now, you’ll attack the mailman just because you don’t like him, not because a pastrami on rye told you to. Isn’t that much better?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You’re practically wetting your pants for spring to arrive so you can get out there and wear some skimpy, bod-revealing clothes. You’ve been working out like a fiend all winter to get the six-pack abs and firm butt everyone craves. Too bad they don’t have a “Facemaster” at the gym. I guess you’re still stuck with the same old mug. Well, at least you have a slammin’ body. You will be judged in a shallow fashion.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Your plan to give up booze for Lent is facing a serious challenge. Apparently some idiot went and stuck St. Patrick’s Day right in the middle of Lent this year, and that’s almost too much temptation to handle. And then there’s also the fact that there are several weekends in there as well. All this points to failure. Next year, give up something you don’t really like or need in order to have sex. A friend needs strong advice on facial hair.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Consider yourself lucky to be alive. If just one or two stars altered their position even a bit, there’s a strong chance you would be killed by a leftists organization bent on the overthrow of the Alabama Legislature. At least that’s what it looks like. But the way the stars are lining up now, it looks like you’ll land a guest shot on Billy Ray Cyrus’ next TV show. Isn’t fate strange?

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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