Dr. Zodiac

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You are obsessed with the Checker’s hamburgers commercial featuring the puppet known as “Rap Cat.” In the coming days, you’ll not only repeatedly visit the Rap Cat Web page at www.rap-cat.com, but you’ll begin dressing like him and learn to sing along with his songs. All of this is the last sign you have lost your damn mind! Obsess on the Burger King for a while and let the cat go!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You’ve taken to calling in sick to work every Monday so you and the common-law can have a big time on Sunday nights, hootin’ and hollerin’ at one of your favorite drinking holes with the rest of the miscreants who don’t have crap to do the next day. But your boss is onto you! You’d better start thinking up your excuses before you go out and get hammered, because your whiskey-soaked voice saying “I’ve got the shits again!” isn’t fooling the bossman.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Someone has a huge crush on you, but is too shy to tell you. This person is under the impression you are unattainable and perfect. Perhaps it’s best to leave your pseudo-stalker living in blessed ignorance, rather than offering a view of the wonder that is you. Face it, if you let this person get to know you, it’s just someone else you’ve scared off – but an unrequited lover is soooo cool. Maintain your distance. An onion aids in making new friends.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – After reading about the crazy astronaut who went goofy recently, you’ve decided it’s not such a bad idea to go around wearing adult diapers. After all, one stop in the bathroom a day is saving you about an hour a day combined. That means you’re out there doing your thing about one day a month more than the average bathroom user. Over the years, that’s going to add up to real time. Who’ll be laughing then? The one with the bulging diaper and no friends, that’s who!

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – For some reason you can’t wait to watch the new sit-com that’s going to be made from the Geico caveman commercials. Trust me when I say it’s going to be pure crap. Remember the last time someone made a TV show out of a “cute” commercial. Yep, we got “Baby Bob” out of that. How many innocent people have to die before this type of thing is outlawed for good? Chicken pot pie is the clear choice next Thursday.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Your outrage that people are ridiculing a few Bishop State students for taking classes for 20 years, might be misunderstood if you express it around others. Unlike you, most people haven’t taken 15 years of college courses without earning a degree or five. It’s nice that you’re giving the financial aid cheats at Bishop the benefit of the doubt, but don’t use that as an opportunity to expose your own sordid educational history, please.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Perhaps collecting hundreds of pounds of Mardi Gras beads and bringing them into Krispy Kreme in exchange for dozens of doughnuts will not be your best strategy for losing weight by spring. Yes, it’s very tempting to get rid of the worthless beads in exchange for empty calories, but beware, the people who own Krispy Kreme also own a factory that manufactures moo-moos. You could be fitted for one soon.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – When Gov. Riley failed to mention you in his State of the State Address last week, it truly signaled the end of your affair with the Reagan-haired head of state. In past years, he’d always slipped in a secret message to you by proposing a tax cut on true love. This year, nothing! Face it, he’s moved on. You should too. County Commissioner Mike Dean has lost some weight and is looking good. Give him a call!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – In the coming weeks you’ll be presented with an opportunity to become fast friends with Mobile Press-Register publisher Howard Bronson. At first you’ll think he’s a total stiff, but after a while the two of you will be having such a great time, you’ll forget he is, in fact, a total stiff. You’ll hang out at the country club and have non-alcoholic drinks and exchange advice on the best way to knot a tie. He’ll be like the lame brother you never had.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – All this talk about developing a “captive” insurance company locally has you confused in a way that could lead to prison time. Your misunderstanding will lead you to kidnap an area insurance agent and hold him captive in the mistaken hope that doing so will give you an edge in negotiations if a hurricane hits this summer. Forget it. You’re dealing with an insurance agency. They’ll just write off the loss of the agent and move on. Let others call you “Huckleberry.” It’ll be fun.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Now that WPMI has named Jim Loznicka their new chief meteorologist, it’s time to start stalking him as you did his predecessor David Glenn. Send him lots of creepy e-mails from a secret account. You can even drive into the parking lot of motels on the Beltline that have wireless Internet to send your messages, so the authorities can’t trace you. Or send them from a university library. Either way, J-Lo will be flattered to know he’s got his first stalker.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Your efforts to produce your own “designer” brand of crystal meth are bound to pay off – with third-degree burns! Review the facts: you can’t even cook instant pudding and adding perfume and exciting colors to the crystals isn’t going to be very important to someone whose teeth have just fallen out from taking meth. Find a less illegal way to display your amazing sense of style. A thoughtless comment leaves you wondering if you are balding. You are.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives