Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Another sexual harassment suit makes you decide to wear pants around the office again. Now if you could just stop telling clients about your most secret piercings and tattoos, the litigation can disappear like that last rash. A new laundry strategy helps in social situations. Yes, paisley sure makes food stains hard to spot but the flies and funk tell the rest of the story. On the 10th, abstain from the Peruvian goat porn.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your plans to run for office are hampered by your scandal-free background. Running for governor is going to require a few shady real estate deals and at least one expunged felony. Aiming for Capital Hill? You need an unsolved murder and maybe a few years of income tax evasion. The White House? You need more ex-wives. Your divorce attorney will cut you a package deal if you can get him one of those prime U.S. Attorney positions. Oh, and a little cross-dressing couldn’t hurt your chances either.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You’re completely insane for the “American Idol” again this year, even though there isn’t a local or Alabama connection. You talk incessantly about “Idol” – so much so, a lot of people are getting sick of it. This wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t a news anchor at WALA. A mysterious package arrives on the 6th. Don’t forget your “haz-mat” suit.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You can’t help noticing a co-workers breasts have been getting larger lately. It’s very distracting in a “Murder She Wrote” kind of way. You want to solve the mystery, because if there’s one thing you know, it’s that boobs don’t just get bigger all by themselves. However, company policies are bound to interfere with your sleuthing, as it is generally frowned upon by your employer to randomly feel up co-workers or break into their lockers to check bras.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Spring is upon us, which can mean only one thing – you’re about to look really, really fat in a bathing suit. Put down that fried chicken and drop that pudding cup or you’re going to have folks trying to roll you back into the water when you head to Orange Beach. Worse yet, an amorous manatee may make a move on you. With some will power and exercise, you could go from disgusting to less disgusting by the time the bathing suits come out. Good luck.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You’re not nearly as angry with state lawmakers for trying to get a quickie raise as most other people you know. That’s probably because if you were in the Legislature, you’d be trying like hell to not only get a raise, but to make it so trips to brothels are reimbursable. Joke’s on you – they are already! Go ahead and start planning to run for office, you deserve that kind of luxury.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – A friend is plotting your murder – but don’t let on that you know. Actually, I guess you really don’t know since I didn’t narrow it down or anything. Let’s put it this way, a friend with red hair and a big mole is trying to kill you. Does that help? Anyway, don’t let on that you know. Just act normal, ask your friend to go on a trip with you to the Eastern Shore, then knock your friend out and throw him off the Bayway. If the cops question you, show them this prediction. It’s self-defense.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – A planned trip next week goes awry when you’re stuck on the tarmac for 23 hours after your pilot loses the keys to the plane. Unfortunately, no one will roll the plane back 10 feet to let you off, so you and 200 other poor saps are stuck eating some kind of party mix and watching “The Princess Diaries” seven times. Around hour 17, you will murder a flight attendant, but it will later be declared justifiable homicide.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Al Gore’s movie has you so scared of global warming that you’re contemplating changing everything about your life. You’ve already switched to low-energy lightbulbs and bought a smaller Hummer, so there’s not much more you can do to save energy. But since it’s going to get really, really hot sometime soon, you’ll decide to fill your house with refrigerators and let them run with the doors open 24/7. That should keep things nice and cool on your planet. To hell with everyone else.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Alabama’s proposed smoking ban has you steamed. If there’s one thing you love doing, it’s sitting back in a restaurant, firing up a butt and letting the smoke waft over to some poor non-smoking sucker’s table. It’s a hoot to watch them get all indignant and wave their hands back and forth. Now, that may all be ruined for you! There may be nothing you can do to save your precious indoor smoking, but at least the government can never stop you from farting in a public place.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – A bad meatloaf will ruin a planned romantic weekend, as it will give you and your lover the worst case of gas either of you has ever had. Getting it on will be out of the question, as both of you will struggle mightily just to keep from blowing the sheets off the bed. One the bright side, the old “pull my finger” joke never gets old. A family pet won’t stop licking itself.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Softball season is about to start, but you’re a marked man. Seems you thought it would be a great idea to leave your old team to join another team in the same league. Trust me when I say hard feelings are bound to exist. If your old teammates only knew you had sexual feelings for a member of your new team, they might be more forgiving. Don’t eat clams, unless they’re steamed.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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