Mobile Magnified

Well, my sweets, just when the gossip seemed to be dying right along with the azalea blooms, a new crop of spring scuttlebutt blossomed. And lucky for you, I’ve turned it into a tasty gossip cobbler – and on a shoestring budget to boot. So grab some vanilla ice cream and a spoon and dig in.

You’re in a Weed Zone!

My Monday was made last week when I read the P-R’s “Political Skinny,” which reported that NBC-15’s reporter Brian Johnson was fined by Environmental Court for not mowing his yard. Johnson is famous not only for his story on the Crichton Leprechaun but also for his “You’re in a Schooool Zoooone” reports, where he wields a radar gun while screaming at motorists who are (usually barely) speeding in school zones.

Johnson told the P-R, “I think it’s great that they are trying to improve the look of the community.” Yes and we’re glad you’re doing your part, BJ!

But the old Boozester has been wondering why has he been growing a jungle in his yard? Could he be hiding the Leprechaun? Or is he preparing for his next special series “Weeeeeed Zooooone,” where he will wander around brandishing a weed eater while screaming, “I’m going to whack your weeeeeds!” Let’s just hope he whacks his own first. Yuck, that sounds sooo nasty!

Phar Fletcher not a fan of carpet

I happened to be in Biloxi last week and picked up one of their entertainment rags, The Mississippi Gulf Coast Observer. In it, they profiled local band Phar Fletcher. The last question in their profile asked “Blondes or Brunettes?” They replied, ” It doesn’t really matter as long as there is no carpet to match the drapes.” Classy, guys! Classy!

So ladies, I guess if you heading out to see Les and the boys, and you want to hook up with one of them after the show, you may want to sit in a tub of Nair first. Ouch!

Iron Deer in Recovery

It looks like the Oakleigh Iron Deer has finally cleaned up his act. After months of having a suspicious white substance on his nose, the iron woodland creature who loiters in Washington Square is once again sporting his normal brown nose. While it seems he has beaten his coke addiction, there is no word on if he is still boozing it up or not, though I did get reports he had a Pabst Blue Ribbon can on each of his ears last week. Crazy Iron Deer!

Mr. and Miss Gay Pride Mobile

B-Bob’s held its annual Mr. and Miss Gay Pride Mobile pageant Sunday, April 1 to get ready for Mobile’s Pridefest, which is April 14 and 15. There will be numerous activities in downtown Mobile, including a parade.

My chief Fruit Loop correspondents reported the contest, which was scheduled to begin at 8 p.m., actually got started around 9:15 and had two males and three “females.” Essentially they said, “there were no actual hoo-hoos in the pageant this year.”

Each of the contestants was judged in four categories.

The first was “Presentation.” This year’s theme was “Spring is in the Air,” and the participants were asked to wear anything in the spirit of spring.

The first guy was positioned on the stage, lying on the floor in a pile of green fabric covered with flowers. He dramatically rose up and flung his garden sheath off to reveal he was wearing nothing but a mesh body suit and a thong “with various springtime appliqués sewn to it.” The other guy wore a white tuxedo with various “bedazzling and airbrushing.”

One drag queen represented spring by wearing some sort of butterfly/bird concoction and another wore a custom-made purple one-piece swimsuit, which “didn’t leave much to the imagination.”

The next category was “Formal Wear,” and during this portion, the contestants were also subjected to the third category, a “Q& A” segment. According to the official rules, they were judged on “how well they interpret their responses to the question asked, the completeness of their answer, GRAMMAR, eye contact, poise and confidence.” See, seventh grade English teachers – all your work on proper verb conjugation wasn’t for naught!

One of the drag queens, Peachus, was asked, “what is your favorite color on the Pride Flag and why. She responded (with perfect grammar, I might add), “Purple for royalty, because I am the queen of Gay Pride!” Yay!

Another was asked who was her favorite entertainer. Our spies were expecting the usuals – Cher, Barbara, J Lo, Diana, etc. But she favored local drag queen Miss Cie. The spies asked each other, “Did they say local entertainer?” They did not.

The last was talent. Sadly none of our drunken Fruit flies buzzed around long enough to catch this portion of the show. Typical!!!

The spies did say though the true stars of this pageant were the “stylists,” who assisted the contestants. One was dressed (for some unknown reason) as a “sheriff,” complete with hat, a flowy, white puffy shirt and a badge. Yes, a badge. The other was dressed as a track star in some sort of white jumpsuit with a red stripe.

They apparently took their jobs very seriously. They performed various very important tasks such as carefully fixing trains and retrieving sour cream and onion potato chips for the queens. (Incidentally, the bartender said drag queens often munch on chips before their performances. They really are all that and a bag of chips. Har har.)

The train-fixing sheriff, “who acted like he was working on the Queen of England,” chided one of our spies for walking too close to said train. Then to the sheriff’s dismay, the queen erased all of his hard work by picking it up, swinging it on his arm and tromping out on the stage. Poor sheriff stylist!

Anyway, after all of the fanfare, Seven Imom was named Mr. Gay Pride Mobile, while Peachus van Cartier, earned the “female” title.

Farewell Rosalyn Heights

The B-Bob’s community was saddened by the loss of Mobile’s “largest drag queen in captivity,” Ms. Rosalyn Heights, who was robbed and fatally shot in her home on Ann Street Friday, March 23. The statuesque queen, who sported size 17 pumps, often performed in the weekly drag shows at the Fruit Loop hot spot on Conti Street. Friends reminisced about how her dressmaker used to hem her performance gowns by throwing them over a refrigerator, and they would fit perfectly. One of her favorite songs to sing was “You’re Gonna Love Me,” popularized recently by Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls.”

And judging by the crowd and the amount of money raised for her funeral expenses Wednesday, March 28 at a memorial service held at the bar, people did indeed love her. Farewell, Ms. Heights, farewell.

Mudbugs in the Swamp

If you showed up at Felix’s Swamp Room last Friday expecting to eat crawfish and see Wes Loper perform to benefit the American Cancer Society and you arrived to find nothing, you can blame us.

The geniuses in the layout department of this worthless rag put last year’s ad in the last issue. They’re dumb and no longer allowed to drink while laying out the paper, but lucky for you, you haven’t missed out on this fantastic event, which is actually Thursday, April 19. Yes, it’s still at the Swamp Room, but music will be provided by Loose Cannons and PEEK.

This is a super-fun spring event for a great cause. I went last year and had a blast. The atmosphere is great and there is a silent auction with some really cool things to bid on, not to mention all those tasty mudbugs. Things get kicked off at 6:30 p.m. and last until about 9:30.

Sorry, if we caused any confusion, but definitely get out there next Thursday and get your mudbug on! For more information or to purchase tickets in advance ($15) call 344-9858. Or simply purchase them at the door for $20.

Remains on Romaine?

A mystery caller dialed the Boozie hotline this week and asked us if we had heard about Rolling Stone Keith Richards snorting his father’s ashes. We said, “Of course we have.” To which the caller responded, “Well something like that happened locally.”

My cold, evil heart skipped a beat, as I said, “Oh, do tell!”

The caller claims a Fairhope artist sprinkled his father’s ashes all over a salad he served at some frou-frou dinner party. They munched away and had no idea they were nibbling on Papa’s remains. The tipster, who claims he was present, said he was very disturbed after learning this some time later, but did say, “it was during his (the artist) heavy drug and alcohol using days.”

No reports on if the salad tasted like chicken.

Where has all the young poo-nanny gone?

Another caller to the Boozie hotline was dismayed to see the prostitution sting in the Thursday, April 5 issue of the Press-Register. He wasn’t so upset about the arrests but rather the ages of these “ladies of the night,” the youngest being 33, the oldest being 51! Yes, 51! Granny goods! Anyway, he asked the Boozester, “Where does one go to purchase young (insert tasteless euphemism for their product) these days?” I said, “Honey, I have no idea. Broad Street, maybe?”

If anyone knows, please e-mail me their corners to boozie@lagniappemobile.com, so I can let our young (insert tasteless euphemism) connoisseur know.

Well, that’s all I got this time, kids. With Lent over and various festivals, tosses and even more cook-offs coming up, I feel certain this gossip hound is going to be very busy. So just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or just some plain ol’ Miss Cie lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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