Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – The stars are aligned for you to create your masterpiece. Unfortunately, your “masterpiece” will consist of breaking wind for three solid minutes and varying the notes so it sounds vaguely like John Phillip Sousa’s “Stars and Stripes Forever.” Few will recognize your genius after this publicly embarrassing display. Cat Scratch Fever will hold you in its grips next week.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your artistic side is in full bloom in the coming weeks. You’ll seek lovely nude models to lounge luxuriously around your living room, much to the chagrin of your spouse and children. The Philistines don’t understand your art! It might help, though, if you actually painted something rather than just staring. Just a suggestion. A handshake goes terribly wrong.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Pain in your groin leads to concern and a trip to a local physician. Unfortunately, this person turns out not to be the Groinologist you need, but some kind of urine doctor. The stars say you should expect a continuation of your pain, to eat many, many pills and to have reoccurring nightmares about this quack doctor messing with your “junk.” Seek the advice of an attorney – and a qualified Groinologist.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – The rednecks in your family have officially taken over. Your next family reunion is going to be held at a Barnhill’s and there’s a really good chance a couple of your cousins will be playing footsies under the table. Don’t fear, you can only get so inbred. On the plus side, you will win the family award for prettiest teeth once again. So get yourself some chocolate pudding from the buffet and enjoy.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Your dog is secretly stealing your underwear. This may not surprise you, but what he’s doing with it should. Apparently he’s selling it on Ebay and saving up to buy a gun to shoot you for tormenting him. Wait, wait! I’ve got my reading crossed. It’s not your dog who’s doing that, it’s your little brother. Whew! That sounded really bizarre for a moment. Oh, by the way, watch out for your bro.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – The recent pet food scare has you terrified. You’re not worried Mittens will get sick and die, you’re more worried about your great, great aunt. You’re completely certain she eats moist cat food every evening. There’s a better-than-average chance she’s going to get some Tender Vittles that take her to the big litterbox in the sky. But come on! Why grieve? The woman eats cat food, are you really going to miss her?

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You’re still horribly disappointed Donald Trump didn’t get his head shaved in that recent “wrestling” match on the WWE. For some reason, it would have made your day to see him all bald with his pouty lips sticking out. But your wish may still come true. Sometime in the next week, Rosie O’Donnell is going to sneak into Trump’s apartment at night and brutally murder the obnoxious billionaire. Oh, the laughs you’re going to have!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Love will blossom for you during Arts Alive! as you meet someone with a fetish for painting feet. You’ve never had a foot fetish, but you’ve always had a fetish for paintings of feet, so the two of you will live in a perfect symbiotic relationship in a house no one will ever want to visit, as it will be filled with paintings of feet. Your lover’s series on bunions will be especially repulsive.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You’re always trying to “keep it real,” but for some reason you’ve decided to use deception to make others think some of your “naughty parts” are bigger than advertised. Stuffing your clothing to attract others isn’t the greatest idea, as it is bound to lead to some disappointment and embarrassment later. Unless you never hook up. Then it could work for you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You’ve been completely obsessed by cleavage lately. You just can’t get enough of looking down women’s shirts. Worse yet, you can’t get enough of staring down men’s ass cracks. This cleavage craze has you on the ropes. Others are noticing and starting to feel uncomfortable around you – everyone, that is, except the plumbers working in your building. They don’t care. You can look if you want, that’s what it’s there for!

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – An old friend calls you to borrow some money, your car and your passport. Perhaps the stars are being a bit naïve, but they say you should give it to him. The stars seem to think this is all some big misunderstanding. That’s easy for the stars to say, they’ve never had someone rip them off and ruin their credit. Go with your gut on this one. Don’t give him your passport, at least that way he can’t leave the country.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Trying to do your civic duty backfires next week. You’ll see some redneck throwing cigarette butts out his car window, and you’ll report him to the police for littering. Unfortunately, the redneck will have some connections and the next thing you know, your driveway will be covered with cigarette butts. Ignore the problem and it might go away. That’s solid advice for any situation.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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