Dr. Zodiac

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your recent affair with Pulitzer Prize-winning political columnist George Will could soon become public knowledge. When the conservative commentator was in town last week, the two of you had wild sex, fueled by an evening of knocking back boilermakers at the Florida Bowl. A pin boy threatens to sell photos of you two to Star Magazine. What do you care? You’re not the world-famous writer.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your house will soon be one of those whose sewer pipes are intentionally plugged by the city. But in your case, it’s not because you haven’t paid your bill. It’s mostly because the folks in charge have decided your sewage is beyond disgusting. The fact is, you’re sewage is too “sewagey” for the sewer system. Try to eat less fiber and reapply for membership before your toilet overflows.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Did you know your neighbor can see you when you’re showering? He can, but only when he climbs up on your roof and stares down over the eaves through your bathroom window. There are two ways to handle this – call the cops, or put on a show. The stars believe you’ll put on a show, you naughty thing. Auto troubles will have you walking the streets next week, just like a bum.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- It’s totally pathetic, but you couldn’t be more excited about the new “Star Wars” stamps being offered by the U.S. Postal Service. For some reason you believe people really give a crap about getting letters with Yoda on it or Darth something-or-another. I’m sure the folks down at the power company are very excited too. Maybe your lucky day will come soon and they’ll offer “Battlestar Gallactica” stamps too. Dork.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – The pet food recall has you completely flummoxed. What will you feed your grandmother now? Sure, she hasn’t noticed she’s been eating Fancy Feast for the past two years, but even someone as senile as her is bound to notice if you have to change to something like Kibbles N Bits or Gravy Train. Do the right thing; splurge on Tender Vittles and give Granny a treat. Everyone is tired of hearing your theories on the Virginia Tech shootings. You’re not on “CSI: Mobile.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – No one has taken the booting of Sanjaya from “American Idol” harder than you. In the coming days, the depression will get so bad, even repeated viewings on Youtube won’t help ease the pain. Put your hair in a “ponyhawk” and try to think about the good times you had. A meatloaf will bring you a new level in gas pain next week. Beware.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You’re usually pretty easygoing, but a recent run-in with your boss has you on edge. Your co-workers will notice, especially when you “accidentally” staple your secretary’s finger to a contract you’re working on. Take a pill and relax. Your boss should be having a massive heart attack in about three weeks and the nightmare will be over. In fact, if you want to speed things up, buy him a Thick Burger from Hardee’s.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – A new co-worker has your romantic interests piqued. You’re finding ways to end up at the copier at the same time or to borrow each other’s Liquid Paper. A hook-up in the supply closet seems imminent! Be prepared. Hide a condom in the closet just in case. But make sure the boss doesn’t catch you, or he’ll want to join in! Yuck! Pass up a chance to dance in public next week.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) -You’ve been so busy lately, you’ve hardly had time to do something you really love – drink. In the coming days, work should ease up, leaving you a chance to get totally blasted and to call in sick all hung over! What fun that will be! While you’re at it, get involved in some unprotected sex with a stranger, it always makes your day. You deserve it, as hard as you’ve been working.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Your love life has been horrible for so long. That’s not about to change, though. Jupiter is rising, which generally means masturbation, movies and frozen dinners. At least you can plan for this extended period of loneliness by stocking up on frozen dinners and CDs. Oh yeah, and probably some lubricants as well. And porn. Don’t forget porn. On the bright side, you always know you’ll get lucky!

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – An heir to a major fortune finds you fascinating! Unfortunately, you find this person’s family business reprehensible, as they make umbrella stands out of elephant’s feet. Quite an ethical dilemma – one easily overcome by focusing on the money. In fact, most ethical dilemmas can be overcome by simply thinking about what would make you personally happy and doing that. This could prove to be a good way of doing things for you.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Believe it or not, you’ll spend a few hours in coming days wearing a gorilla suit in the springtime heat. But it will be for a good cause – finding homes for old, worn-out zoo animals. But while you’re in the suit, you will start to see the world through different eyes – the eyes of an old gorilla. It will make you think, mostly about how glad you are not to be an old gorilla. But it’s nice to have that perspective. Dr. Pepper can help with constipation.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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