Dr. Zodiac

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Feeling sorry for ousted Mobile County Commissioner Juan Chastang will land you in hot water when you take him in as a roommate. At first it will be kind of a novelty having the diminutive former commish around the house, although he will get stuck in the couch cushions a few times. But when he writes a check out of your bank account to put on a charity oyster-shucking contest, sparks will fly. Stay clear of that bad seed.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You’ve been bragging all over town that you were one of the rednecks who threw beer cans at Jeff Gordon’s car when he recently won a NASCAR race at Talladega. Sure, a few Earnhardt fans think you’re cool, but everyone else is mad as hell at you. Not so much for pelting Gordon, but for wasting good beer. What kind of example is that for the kids? Digestion problems follow a cheese bender.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You’re tired of being bullied by the local historic commission czars and decide to do something about it. Next week, in the still of the night, fueled by whiskey, you’ll drive a double-wide trailer onto your front lawn and attach it to your historic home. The next morning, your driveway will be filled with the bodies of the “hysterical society” folks who had heart attacks there. You’ll enjoy a heck of a laugh until you sober up and realize the trailer really does look crappy. A friend wants you to pull his finger.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Plans to meet NFL number one pick JaMarcus Russell and bilk him out of millions will only lead to pain and embarrassment. First, the new Raiders quarterback is way too smart to ever believe you are a financial adviser, especially if he seeks your beat-down car. Secondly, the likelihood you’ll even be smart enough to figure out how to get near him is very slim. Stick to credit card fraud.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Relationship problems with friends, lovers and family become so bad you’ll end up on an episode of “Dr. Phil.” There, the pseudo-psychologist will harangue and disparage you to the point that you take a swing at him. It’s great TV, but not so good for your reputation. On the plus side, you do succeed in knocking Dr. Phil out cold, winning admiration from people across the country. A pet’s worms become your worms.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Rudeness seems to follow you like the plague in the coming weeks. It seems no matter where you go, someone is cursing you out, treating you like dirt, cutting you off in traffic or otherwise dissing you. Your first inclination is to be rude in return, but then you think better of it and let it roll off your back. Your first inclination was right, though. Fight fire with fire and let those jerks have it with both barrels.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – A bout of food poisoning makes you reassess your relationship with God. As you lay there shivering, vomiting and doing other disgusting things, you’ll pray for healing so you can go back to the Kentucky Fried Chicken that poisoned you and beat the shift manager to death. You will take your eventual recuperation as a sign God intends for you to hurt someone. Perhaps you need to read the Bible before heading out for vengeance.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – For the first time in your life, you’ll allow jealousy to rule your actions. When a co-worker starts flirting with your lover, you hatch a devious plan to get that interloper canned. The plan will backfire when the flirt gets the boot, but your lover rushes to offer the homewrecker comfort. Take the rejection in stride and do something for yourself – like putting your evil mind toward getting your ex-lover fired too.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Exhaustion is the name of your game in the coming days. For some reason you can never get enough sleep, no matter what time you get to bed. That’s probably because you keep lying awake at night thinking about that dreamy new anchor at WPMI TV, Greg Peterson. You’re worried about his health since he keeps promising to stop reading the news and actually go out to report. You should help protect Greg by following him around everywhere. He’ll appreciate that you care.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – A dangerous addiction to Foosackly’s chicken wings has you teetering on the edge of madness. You’re going through the drive-through several times a day and scaring some of the help. It’s also disturbing to others to see you “shoot” several containers of delicious Foo Sauce at work throughout the day. Not to mention, the covering of fried chicken crumbs all over your clothing has pigeons attacking you all day.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Have you noticed your teeth lately? Others have, and they aren’t all dentists! It’s time to face the facts – years of iced tea and Cokes have your choppers looking like they’re made out of old leather. Time to get something done – but beware! DO NOT let anyone put those godawful giant super-white chompers in your mouth. You know the ones all the Hollywood stars get that look so damn stupid when they smile?

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – An employee’s breasts have caught your attention, but that’s probably not a good thing! Stop thinking about hooters all day long and get back to spread sheets and deciding who to fire next. You don’t want to go out like all those other chumps who ended up on “Jerry Springer” with three or four women yelling at them! On the bright side, at least there’s something decent to look at around the office!

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives