Dr. Zodiac

By Dr. Zodiac

Astrology guy

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Your meeting with an NFL coach during Senior Bowl week and subsequent efforts to impress him by running as fast as you could down Dauphin Street have paid off! Expect to be contacted by the team any day now and informed that a restraining order has been signed against you. Efforts to outlaw keg beer sales in the state could greatly crimp your style – especially if it reduces your ability to get lots of underaged kids drunk.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – With Steve Russo apparently about to be tossed in the slammer, now is your chance to throw your hat in the ring to become mayor of Orange Beach. Wouldn’t that be sweet, a chance to get free cars from political donors and smoke weed? Yow! Beats the heck out of being mayor of Mobile, where all you get to do is love thy neighbor. An itchy rash ruins true love.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – One of Mobile’s parking diplomats is stalking you, writing ticket after ticket. The boot is coming and there’s only one way you can avoid it. No, murdering the diplomat probably will bring stronger legal ramifications than having a boot put on your car. It looks like you’re going to have to pay those tickets! By the way, they still pay for plasma donors. I hear it’s painful, though. Who am I kidding? Dr. Zodiac works for Lagniappe. He knows all about plasma donation.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your fascination with old episodes of “Kolchak: The Night Stalker” has your mate concerned. Not so much for your mental health, though. Instead, your lover is concerned that life around your house may become nothing more than a blur of bad old TV shows and sub-par food. You can’t do much about the TV, being addicted and all, but you could buy some better grub. Two words: nose clippers.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your Super Bowl square at the local bar will hit big and make you wildly popular among the drunken regulars. Beware though, or you’re unlikely to make it out of the bar with your cash intact. Offering to buy everyone a shot of Jager and then to take them all to Waffle House isn’t a prudent way to spend your cash. Take a select few to Diamonds and do it right! Dallas Cowboys Coach Bill Parcells can’t get you out of his mind after his Senior Bowl visit.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Your priorities are completely out of whack. Next week you’ll spend over $300 having your dog’s teeth cleaned when you haven’t been to the dentist in two years! Look, rover’s halitosis isn’t going to keep you from getting some lovin’. Your own rancid breath is another story. Stop eating so much cereal, it’s making you seem juvenile. Try Kasha instead.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You may not know this, but a co-worker spends a tremendous amount of time thinking about you, staring at you, thinking about you and driving by you house. This might be sweet if your co-worker were doing that out of an innocent-but-misguided love for you. However, this maniac’s interest is strictly hatred, which makes it much creepier. The time has come to admit that you have very big ears.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – An elderly relative will soon need your assistance in the restroom. This could prove very uncomfortable, not to mention smelly and unsanitary. How to get out of it is your question. There’s probably not much way, without looking like a jerk. Perhaps it’s best to just be prepared. Keep some prunes handy. That will speed the process. Either that, or move out of town.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Incessant gum-chewing send the wrong message to others. They read is as you saying: “Hey, I’m a big, stupid cow chewing my cud! Come over here and milk me or slaughter me to make some really sinewy steaks!” That’s not a message you want to be sending. Lose the gum and try some breath mints. Your days will be haunted by phone calls from idiots living in Georgia. Why Georgia, why?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The rampant credit card scamming sweeping Mobile will catch you up in its wake as an extra 75 cents is tacked onto a Red Bull you purchase next week. Sure it seems minor, but that’s a really high percentage. Of course, no one will believe you because you’re drinking so much Red Bull that you can’t see straight, much less actually read a receipt.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your desires to be on “American Idol” have finally subsided after you’ve come to the realization that that English twit Simon would make fun of you on national television. Who knows why it took so long for you to recognize this? I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s probably because you’re one of the biggest morons in the Western hemisphere, you sing like Ernest Borgnine and you look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – The Gulf Coast drinking season is upon us and you’re probably going to be in major trouble. Unless I’m reading the stars incorrectly, your liver’s about shot, your kidneys are on the fritz and your naughty parts haven’t been used properly in some time. Time to dry out, kid. Take the cure unless you want to end up running down the street naked during the MOTs parade again this year. I know none of us wants that.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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