Dr. Zodiac

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – As Bon Jovi said in their classic hair metal song “Dead or Alive,” “It’s all the same. Only the names have changed.” True that, JBJ. And you’ll soon find out the names have indeed changed when just about everyone you work with gets canned and replaced. Just keep that “loaded six-string” on your back and trouble will be DOA.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Ratt lead singer Steven Pearcy once whined “what comes around goes around,” and no truer words have ever been spoken when it comes to your current state of mind. Don’t let anyone push you around, and if they try, kick ‘em where it hurts. I’m sure the wussies in Ratt wouldn’t let anyone push them around, so why should you?

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- You’re wondering if that special co-worker has a secret crush on you. Well, in the words of flaccid ‘80s popsters Spandau Ballet, “Ah-ha-ha-haaa-ha, you know this much is true.” Don’t sit back like some wallflower at a junior high dance who’s to afraid to ask anyone to dance because you’re wearing your dad’s corduroy blazer. Who cares? Throw caution and your stapler to the wind and make the first move.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You should have known better than to cheat a friend. Guilty feet have got no rhythm. Long before he got caught doing awful things in a men’s room, George Michael said these words, and the stars say they’re speaking to you right now. Maybe not the rhythm part, but the cheating a friend part. Knock that off! Only a jerk cheats a friend, or gets caught in a men’s room. Don’t do either.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your personality reminds Dr. Z of a very saucy song from the ‘80s by John Parr – “Naughty, Naughty.” You probably remember Mr. Parr from singing “St. Elmo’s Fire,” but he knew a thing our two about being naughty, and so do you. And don’t think you can keep it up, or you’re likely to feel St. Elmo’s Fire when you pee, if you catch my drift. If you can’t shape up, at least protect yourself, you naughty thing.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – If Night Ranger were writing your horoscope, they’d probably say you’ll be doing some “motorin’” pretty soon. Looks like a trip is on your horizon, and, Sister Christian, you’re not the only one. You’ll have company. It won’t be anyone as foxy as Night Ranger lead singer Jack Blades, but it will be someone a damn site better than their lame keyboardist Fitz Fitzpatrick. So you’ve got that going for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – As you watch your lover walk out the door next week, perhaps the haunting words once screeched so eloquently by the lead singer of Cinderella should haunt your pitiful mind. “Don’t know what cha got ‘til it’s gone!” If some guy who stole Stevie Nicks’ wardrobe knows this, why don’t you? It’s time to stop taking your loved ones for granted, or like Cinderella, you’ll be forgotten and ridiculed.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – I think it was Mr. Huey Lewis who once said, “I want a new drug.” If you were rewriting that song, it would go something like this: “I want a bunch of drugs.” Pathetic. And it doesn’t even go with the music. Perhaps you’ve taken Huey’s good-timing image and drug-friendly lyrics to heart, but that attitude is ruining your life. Clean it up, even if it means ditching all your stoner Huey Lewis tapes.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Journey once sang “Don’t stop believin’, hold on to your drea-a-e-ahms,” but that really doesn’t apply to you. They were singing about some small town boy and city girl, not a loser like you. In fact, you should stop believing this very second. You’re never going to get the high score on Golden Tee at the Garage, so give it up! If you want something to believe in, try believing your way into whiter teeth.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The announcement of this new German steel mill has you so excited you can hardly sleep. In fact, much like German rockers The Scorpions, the announcement has “rocked you like a hurricane.” However, you would do well to remember that song’s most dire warning, to “give her inches and feed her well.” Actually, I’m not really sure that applies here, but you must admit it sounds very dirty. Good luck with the Germans.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – If you were a character from a hit pop song from the ‘80s, you’d be that crafty old “Karma Chameleon” because of the way you always seem to change your colors from red to gold to green. Or maybe that’s just your shirt. Either way, you truly are the Karma Chameleon these days, reaping what you sew, so sew well! Look at what happened to Boy George. You don’t want people saying that about you years from now, do you?

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Sure, you wish you had Jessie’s girl, but you’re just a working class dog, not Rick Springfield or someone super cool like that. You’re just going to have to play along with the charade, even if you do feel dirty when she starts talking cute. You can’t tell her you love her. That point is moot. Keep in mind, she’s watching him with those eyes and loving him with that body – you just know it. You need to just “bop ‘til you drop,” if you know what I mean, and get some sleep.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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