Dr. Zodiac

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – That whore who dumped you last winter saw you dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow for the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End premiere. You were at first mortified, but then thought better of it. Every girl loves Johnny Depp, right? You figure she’ll be groveling at your apartment’s doormat any day now, begging for you back. Wrong. She’s an Orlando Bloom fan. But you’ll have the last laugh because on the 13th, your brother is going to cheat on her with that hot cashier at Dollar General.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Remember last weekend when you got really plastered at the Flora-Bama and started flashing people in the parking lot? No? Too bad your mailman does. Play it cool when he starts scribbling his cell phone number on your Victoria’s Secret catalogs. I have a feeling the stars will shine in your favor when Publisher’s Clearing House season comes around.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- You’re classy. You shop at Target over Wal-Mart, Blockbuster over Movie Gallery, and KFC over Church’s. So when those hippies on the corner decide to tear up their front lawn to plant an organic vegetable garden, you will not take it well. You aren’t going to watch your Adams Homes subdivision turn into some sort of commune! I suggest unleashing a plague of army cutworms in their yard. What are they going to do, use pesticide? Ha, ha, ha! Hippies are dumb.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Summer is upon us, which means Harry Potter season is here! Your kids are going to infiltrate your home with their jargon about Hogwarts, Lord Voldemort and Muggles. Prepare to be annoyed. But you will be rewarded when Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix comes out because that red-headed kid who plays Ron Weasley has gotten pretty hot. I mean that in the most non-pedophilic way possible.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Even though you have been overheard saying that you wouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton even if she bribed you with Talladega tickets, you still paid the $4,600 to get into her fundraiser in Daphne last month. You claim you only went because you heard they were serving delicious tapas. Liar. I know it’s because you’re still holding a grudge against Barack Obama for supposedly stealing the title of his bestselling memoir, Dreams from My Father, from your stand-up act, Dreams I Fulfilled for Your Momma. That routine wasn’t even good. Prepare to face punishment in the form of a landslide victory from John Edwards.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The elementary schools have closed their doors, and since it’s not legal anymore to put 8-year-olds in full-time jobs, send your kids to day camp at the YMCA. You don’t want them hanging around talking to you all day, so throw them to those stoned counselors who spend 45 minutes trying to put up the kiddie pools. They’ll at least be able to hold a conversation about the strategies of Mousetrap. Hide your Robert E. Lee living room poster this week. Black people are coming over.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your dad has been really stoked about what you are giving him for Father’s Day ever since you surprised your mom with that new Stratus for Mother’s Day. He’s been eyeing a Miata, and he just can’t get over how cute they’d look parked together in the driveway. Go ahead and splurge! They’ll both be repossessed within the month anyway. Do not, under any circumstances, eat at Ruby Tuesday’s on a Tuesday.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Just because your new Myspace friend hasn’t responded to your 12 messages that you know she must have read because she logged on three times since you sent them, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to meet up at Church’s to try out those new boneless buffalo wings. She just thinks you’re a stalker. So crack open a sixer of Natty Lite, strap on your headset and enjoy the evening with your real friends who you met on X-Box Live.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – The weather is heating up, and so are your feelings for that guy in Human Resources. Unfortunately, he has a crush on that skanky temp. Big surprise. Don’t stoop to her level and start wearing mini skirts and low-cut blouses; just hide her hole puncher and report her for stealing company property. She’ll be gone soon and you and the HR guy can go back to not talking.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – A neighborhood kid just graduated from high school and won’t let anyone forget it. The windows of his F-150 have been covered with cute sayings like, “CLASS OF ‘07!!!” and “Joey ROX our SOX!!” for the past two months. You will not be able to stomach his obnoxiousness any longer after he asks you to buy the beer for his “congrats” party and then doesn’t even invite you. But Joey and his punk friends will get theirs when you buy them three kegs of O’Doul’s. Too bad none of them notice it was non-alcoholic.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) -Think of the worst thing that could ever happen to you. No, worse than when you passed out before they played “Free Bird” at the Skynyrd concert. Yep, your high school sweetheart is getting married and she wants you to be at the wedding. Trust me, it’s going to be bad. Her husband-to-be is handsome, rich, smart, and worst of all, funny. So funny, in fact, that he wants you to keep an eye on his 13-year-old brother at the bachelor’s party. Just don’t, man. Just don’t.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Face it. The liquid diet isn’t working. The bikini still doesn’t fit and you haven’t had a solid poop in a month. You just need to do like the rest of us and feed all of your friends Oreos and Ben & Jerry’s until you look really good, compared to them.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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