Dr. Zodiac

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Your car is going into the shop, leaving you with only one option: your brother’s pickup. Not that you have any problem with trucks, but you cannot even see out of the windows from all of the John Deere and Mossy Oak decals. How mortifying. However, with time, you will have the overwhelming urge to roll the windows down and blare country music. Just don’t go signing up for the mudbogs yet, because the 20-inch rims will soon be fully installed on your Cadi, and you’ll have to go back to your life as a straight up gangsta’.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Four out of five people think you only go to church for the free powdered doughnuts. Maybe you should stop hiding Maxim in your hymnal and check out Jesus Weekly instead. No one wants to be judged at church, and I’m pretty sure they’re considering replacing the doughnuts with fruit, and then you’d just be screwed.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Some friends are taking you out for karaoke, so prepare to get belligerent. We all know how you feel about Carrie Underwood songs, but try not to jump onstage and burst into tears at the Pink Pony. You will get a daiquiri thrown in your face for assuming those people are cool with showing any emotion besides slut.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – If you are single, a new love prospect will enter your life around the 25th. He’ll be hitchhiking on the Causeway, so keep your flashers on and your eyes peeled. If you are spoken for, also keep your eyes peeled, because you will come very close to clipping a low-flying pelican on the same day. If you are in an open relationship, reconsider. That status does not even make sense.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Your buddies want to go out in the boat this weekend, but you girlfriend is not having it. She supposedly already had plans for you two to volunteer at her grandmother’s assisted living home. Grow a pair, buy some sunscreen and tell her to suck it. Isn’t it about time you broke up with that controlling bitch anyways? Think about it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – I know this whole Paris Hilton fiasco is affecting your view of the U.S. Justice System, but don’t go selling your passport and moving to New Zealand just yet. Citizens in a democracy have a voice, my friend. Start a letter writing campaign to your representative in the Alabama Senate and let your elected officials debate it out like civilized human beings.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Pictures from last weekend at Bonnaroo are going to surface soon, leaving you with a lot of explaining to do. Good luck with that.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Some cute guys are moving in across the street and you’ve been watching them through your mini-blinds for hours. I have a feeling that they are really friendly, so go ahead and introduce yourself. Take something delicious over to share so they’ll like you. I recommend dill pickle potato chips. Seriously. Those things are good. Oh yeah, and don’t get your hopes up; G-A-Y.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Your dad is going through a midlife crisis about 20 years too late, and you don’t really know how to tell him. He has started spending way too much money on Just For Men and is trying to get a date with one of those high schoolers working at Dairy Queen. Shave his goatee off while he’s asleep and leave him pamphlets about HPV. He’ll thank you for it when the DQ girl gets knocked up by his best friend.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – This week, your niece is going to beg you to take her to get a tattoo. She wants some Chinese symbol on her hip, but your sister is not exactly advocating for her seventh grade daughter to get inked up. So what are you going to do, be the cool uncle or the responsible brother? If you think carefully, you will recall a time when your sister snapped the heads off of all your G.I. Joes. Revenge is sweet, especially when it’s in Chinese and no one you know can actually read it.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your therapist is on vacation in Cancun and you are about to crack. So you are going to turn to anyone you can for guidance, including the homeless guy who sits outside your law firm. Little do you know now, but he will give you better advice than your therapist ever could. I think it will have something to do with public defecation.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – After carefully sifting through all of your son’s drawers while he is in the shower, you will discover a lighter hidden in his pants pocket. With careful thought, you will realize that if he has a lighter, he obviously is getting out of control and is probably selling weed out of your home now. You will begin reading his text messages, following his car and hacking into his myspace page to discover that he is actually not drug running at all, thank God. But he has set up a community wide cock-fighting ring. Dr. Phil never warned you about that one.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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