Dr. Zodiac

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – “Belkin54g” will finally realize you’ve been stealing her wireless Internet when she catches you sitting in her front yard watching YouTube on your laptop. Before she calls the neighborhood watch, explain to her that you are innocent! You just thought there was a low hanging satellite somewhere around. She’ll let you leave with a warning, so don’t go back there in the daylight. Besides, “linksys” is picking up strong in your living room.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) -Suspicious behavior at a holiday checkpoint will lead to the police searching your car and frisking you. They will wonder why you are wearing three pairs of pants. Don’t panic; just explain to them the side effects of taking the new diet pill alli. They are going to be laughing so hard they’ll totally forget about checking your car. Good thing because that body in the trunk is starting to reek worse than your oily discharge.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – This week, you’ll be on an airplane next to someone who believes that the situation in Darfur should be taking precedent over all of this British royalty stuff in the news. Don’t be afraid to slam your biscotti cookie on the tray table. You spent a college semester in London, damn it! You have the obligation to stand up for your peeps. You and Princess Di are practically family.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your white trash aunt from Montgomery is coming down for a visit, and you know what that means. It’s time to hide your old checks and dog prescriptions. Keep her out of your hair by sending her to the beach with a metal detector. That should keep her busy so you can pop a Xanax and sift through an Auto Trader magazine to find those mud tires you’ve been dying to get.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – A fireworks accident will bring you face to face with the creator. Not your creator, but the creator of those Guy Harvey t-shirts. I think his name is Guy Harvey. Anyways, while he is calling the ambulance, find out if he knows whether or not the new iPhone is really worth all of the hype. $600 is a lot to spend on a first generation gadget that people haven’t found the glitches in yet. Let Dr. Z know what he says. Your hand will heal fine.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your music selection is a joke. Michael Bolton got annoying 16 years ago, so why can’t you just accept that and stop torturing everyone who rides in your car? Go buy the new Hillary Duff CD. It’s supposed to be groundbreaking.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – George W. is your homeboy. You guys think alike, dress alike and even wear the same cologne (Polo Sport). You didn’t get to actually see him when he came to Mobile, but you’re still floating at the thought of him being nearby. So you’ve picked up your anti-terrorist game. Get the C.I.A. on speed dial because that shifty-eyed cat of yours is starting to pay way too much attention whenever Al Franken comes on TV.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Even though you voted for yourself 57 times as Most Eligible Bachelor for the Nappies, you didn’t win. Tough break. Looks like you’re going to have to go back to chat rooms and bar bathrooms to find love. As the great poet Outkast once said, “big girls need love too, no discriminating in this world.” In other words, lower your standards and you’ll do just fine.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Your mother-in-law is coming over for the holidays and you are expected to make an apple pie. You unfortunately do not know how to bake, but don’t mess this up. Wal-Mart has some stellar pies and that old lady won’t know the difference. Soon you’ll be known as “the surprise chef” instead of “that worthless slut who tricked my son in to marrying her by pretending to be pregnant.”

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – The church softball team has made it to the playoffs. No more Mr. Nice Guy; you’re getting serious. Time to dig out your cork filled baseballs and kick up the anabolic steroids. I hear the winning congregation gets a catered dinner from Cracker Barrel and maybe even a trophy. Crack some skulls.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – A new guy will be hired at your job who has an accent that no one can figure out. Some speculate South American, and some say Russian. Either way, you are concerned he is a communist, or even worse, a libertarian. As soon as you see him reading those posters in the break room, alert the authorities. No freedom-lovers read that propaganda unless they are planning an uprising! Or on getting Dental.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – - Sit down. Take a breath. You’re pregnant. “That’s impossible,” you’re saying. “I’m a man.” Okay, fine, but now that you’re sitting, grab the remote control. An amazing episode of Oprah is about to come on that you really need to see.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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