Dr. Zodiac

*CANCER (June 22 – July 22) * – A game of Risk will take a tragic turn this week when your opponent, Morgan Freeman, announces that he is, in fact, God, and you just demolished all of South America with an army of neon plastic cannons.

*LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) * – You’ve finally found him: The Good Guy. He listens to your opinions, calls every night and even pays for your dinners. Unfortunately, just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean he’s not obsessed with the taste of roadkill.

*VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) * – In an ironic twist this month, the same night you are “riding” a cowboy, the world is transfixed on the unprecedented Great Horse Slaughter of 2007. You will never trust a bumper sticker again.

*LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) * – You will soon have to make a very important decision in your life. Definitely choose camping out at Books A Million to get the seventh Harry Potter book. I mean, what if Harry dies and you have to hear about it from some hooligan kids at the mall, all because you chose to sit at your dad’s hospital bed instead?

*SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) * – You will get the shock of your life this week when you realize that your entire vocabulary has been carefully constructed by the Microsoft Word thesaurus. As it turns out, Gates just really hates the sound of plural words.

*SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) * – An exciting opportunity will soon present itself to you. Drop everything that you are doing and go for it. It’s not every day that you get the chance to save a dying child’s life in Africa just by forwarding an e-mail to 200 of your closest friends.

*CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) * – The tech guy will spoil your seven years of fun when he tells your boss that the printer hasn’t been malfunctioning; the pages of ones and zeros it keeps spitting out are actually hate mail from you, written in Binary code. At your next job, try Windings. Nerd.

*AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) * – All of your friends are either getting married or having babies and you are losing your mind. Everyone keeps pressuring you into settling down too, but you can’t even find a date. Sorry to say this, but they’re right; once you turn 22, your prospects can only get worse. Go ahead and start investing in cats and cheesecakes.

*PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) * – Don’t worry, that smell coming from under your hood isn’t from you burning up the clutch. Your brilliant friend just wanted to see if he could make a grilled cheese sandwich on your alternator. It worked, but he forgot about it three weeks ago.

*ARIES (March 21 – April 19) * – Your favorite new movie, “Sicko,” is going to take a plunge in the ratings when the F.B.I. reveals Michael Moore is drawing disability, unemployment, Social Security, welfare and food stamps.

*TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) * – The dopey kid who always rides a bicycle is making you look bad in front of the recycling club. Who cares if you roll up in a Hummer smoking cigars? You’re turning in more MGD cans than that sucker ever could.

*GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) * – As you will soon learn, all sour gummi worms are delicious, and all hitchhikers carrying guitars have good hearts. All of them. If you see some, pick them up and buy them some vegan burritos. Just watch out for those pretentious jerks with the cellos.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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