Leo (7/23-8/22) This coming month you will develop a strange obsession with speed-limit signs. This obsession will manifest itself into something you probably won’t be able to control. A rough police sketch will appear on FOX 10 late one evening displaying your face. Little do you know that you are being watched, and on one of your sign stealing escapades on Dauphin Street you were spotted. Proceed with caution.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) Lately you just can’t seem to take your eye off of all of the nice “turd-cutters” that pass you by. While working out at the gym, an individual will catch you checking out their finely-tuned “turd-cutter” and deliver an iron-five across your face. The only way to hide the mark across you kisser, along with the halo of humiliation, is by purchasing a Left Hand Milk Stout at Hopjacks. Dive into the darkness.

Libra (9/23-10/22) Just because pirates are obsessed with treasure chests doesn’t mean you should be too – but this month you can’t help it. On a Wednesday night you will be strangely drawn to a wooden chest that is on sale at Atchison Furniture. Much to your surprise, it is priced at $6.66. Realizing this number is associated with Satan, you automatically assume it’s Pandora’s box. You buy it anyways. Beware

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) It’s great that you have taken up carpentry as a hobby. However, it isn’t so great for you appendages. After your third trip to the emergency room, this time for shooting a staple through your hand, you will start to contemplate your new hobby. Dr. Z suggests speaking with someone of high knowledge and skill in this area, such as Lagniappe News Editor Peter Teske. Teske knows all.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) Over the weekend you were lucky enough to find a vintage Chocolate Solider hidden in the dairy section at the Mac-Dixie. This find not only quenched your thirst, but also gave you a hunger for more vintage beverages. On a Monday night you will go on a rampage through the city, looking for cases of drinks like Surge, TAB and even the illusive Clear Pepsi. Avoid small doorways.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Trucker hats have never really been your thing – until now. While attending the Nappies last week, you caught eye of a very sleek individual donning an Ed Hardy trucker hat. Immediately you went out and purchased one. Too much surprise this hat will do wonders for you, and your sex life. Consider wearing it in many different angles and purchasing a rhinestone belt.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) Some people refer to the drink White Russian as “mothers milk,” but you would rather have the real thing. Or the next best thing – formula. After having a couple of drinks at the best new bar, O’Daly’s, you’ll get the sudden hankering for a big glass of breast milk. Since you don’t know of anyone lactating, you head over to Wally-World and stock up on bottles and formula. Nipples up!

Pisces (2/19-3/20) Watching all of the old James Bonds may not be such a good idea. All of this Sean Connery screenplay will have caused you to begin speaking in a Scottish accent. While you may sound cool for a little while, people will begin to catch on that you’re a fraud. Strangely enough, the accent will transform itself after you drink a glass of cold Crystal Light and manifest itself into a Jamaican accent. Right on mon’!

Aries (3/21- 4/19) It seems that you’ve been high and you’ve been low – or maybe you’ve just heard the Train song, “Save me San Francisco” one to many times. Regardless, with these lyrics stuck in your head, you’ll begin to develop the idea that a trip to the Golden Gate Bridge wouldn’t be so bad. After panhandling most of Loda for money, you’ll have enough dough to buy a first class plane ticket and two nights at the Ritz Carlton. Cheers

Taurus (4/20-5/20) Since you just made the upgrade to a TV with HD capabilities, you also went ahead and bought a Blu-Ray player. The player came with one movie, Men in Black. After watching this classic sci-fi film, you’ll begin to feel as though you aren’t alone in the universe. A random Friday night will result in what you will later classify as”abduction.” Things to consider: anal probing and slender figures.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) Lately you’ve been excited about depression – the tropical kind that is. With storms continuing to brew in the Gulf, you can’t help but check the daily surf reports. On a Saturday you will hear over the radio that the waves are breaking a whooping 5-feet high. Put on your wet suite and head on down to Dauphin Island where all the monster surf will be. Make sure to strap the board to your roof to look legit.

Cancer (6/22-7-22) After purchasing the DVD “Siegfried and Roy: The Magic Box,” you’ve been on Craigslist searching for baby white tigers. You’re plan to start your own magic/circus act in the Port City isn’t such a bad idea. After drawing up your costumes and getting you tigers delivered, head on down to city council where you can pitch your idea. It might be wise to wear the costume and keep the tiger on a leash.