(Below is a draft of the State of the State address Gov. Robert Bentley should have delivered to the Alabama Legislature, had he been realistic. It’s the 2017 “Stink of the State” Address.)
Lt Gov. Ivey, Speaker McCutcheon, convicted felon Mike Hubbard, President Marsh, suspended Chief Justice Moore, members of the Alabama Legislature, my special guest, and my fellow Alabamians,
After more than six years in office, it’s an honor and a surprise to still be the governor of Alabama. I know that during my time in Alabama’s top job, I’ve hurt quite a few people, including the most important woman in my life … in addition to your former First Lady, Dianne Bentley.
I also know there are some senators and representatives here today that have been upset by my actions in office — particularly those involving my aide, Rebekah Caldwell Mason. I’m here to tell you: I did not sleep with that woman. I merely grabbed her breasts from behind, a simple medical procedure that I’m willing to provide to every woman between the ages of 18 and 85 across the state of Alabama, free of charge. Rebekah’s here today, and we can both tell you for certain: she’s cancer free. Stand up, baby.
I’ve also heard that some of you in the State House are considering impeachment, and you’re right. Alabama has the best impeachments — especially up in Clanton. I hear they have a water tower with a big ‘ole impeachment right on top. That I’m in support of, and I’m willing to stand up for it here today.
During this upcoming legislative session, lawmakers are going to have to address some big problems our state is facing, and one of them is our overcrowded prison system. As governor of this state, I’m ready to take the lead in solving the problem. I’ve recently spoken to President Trump, and while I forgot to mention the I-10 bridge, he gave me a fantastic idea. As part of our Great State 2019 plan, we’ll be building 10 new prisons, and Birmingham will pay for it.
Now none of that is to say I’m close to Trump, or that I may want a job from him down the road. This is definitely not an interview, so there’s no reason to mention my salary is negotiable and references are available upon request.
But moving on, in addition to our new facilities, as a way to lower Alabama’s prison population, I’ll be introducing a new felon re-entry program called “From the Big House to the State House” to stem the flow of the politics-to-prison pipeline. Convicted felon politicians like Mike Hubbard — stand up, Mike — will be able to use skills they’ve learned, like smiling for mugshots, to make a new life for themselves.
Also, I’ll be taking one last step to help solve Alabama’s prison crisis. Beginning tomorrow, my executive secretary Wanda will be moving — along with her desk — to Tutwiler Prison, where she’ll keep vigilant watch over the state’s female inmates 24/7. Under Wanda’s watchful eye, all Alabamians should sleep more easily at night.
I’d also like to address a criticism I’ve heard of my administration: that we care too little about the environment. As governor, I think it’s important to be a role model in this area for every Alabamian. So beginning today, we’ll be recycling all of my flight logs and campaign finance reports just after they’re filed. Too long have comprehensive records of important state business lain around Montgomery, easily available to journalists and the public. No longer.
Finally, tonight, I’d like to clear something up, and then make a couple of big announcements. You’ve all wondered who the “special guest” was that flew with my sweetheart, her husband, and myself to the inauguration in Washington. We’ve already recycled the flight log, but because I’m the honest man you’ve always known, I’ll tell you tonight who that special guest was — my marriage counselor.
Jon and Rebekah and I have been going through hard times since my divorce, and our counselor said we shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. We all need a little professional help sometimes.
Now for the announcements: I’d like to first make news with my pick to replace Jeff Sessions. Alabama’s next U.S. senator will be “Big” Luther Strange. Luther has done a great job as attorney general not prosecuting me. He’s been so professional, and there’s nothing he deserves more than a brand-new job.
My second and final announcement is on Strange’s replacement as Alabama’s attorney general. Your next attorney general is my boo, Becky Mason. Just last month, our counselor told me I should give her what she wants sometimes, and this is it; she’s getting tired of just being governor, so it’s time for change of venue. I’m sure as Alabama’s next attorney general, Rebecca will do just as fine a job of not prosecuting me as her predecessor.
Overall, my fellow Alabamians, I stand here today to tell you that the State of the State is questionable at best, and you’ve got me to thank for it.
God bless you, and god bless the great state of Alabama.