Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In honor of Labor Day, you’ll organize a union at work. While conditions and compensation are acceptable by modern standards, your collective mission will be to regularly incorporate Tequila Tuesdays.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Stewing over the fact that Dr. Zodiac omitted your sign in last week’s Lagniappe, you’ll go on strike for Labor Day. You and a small but imposing group of fellow Libras will block all lanes of the Wallace Tunnel until you are rewarded with a late, lame joke about Beer Fest.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll go out on a limb and throw a new style of sausage on the grill this Labor Day. It won’t be the best you’ve ever had, but it won’t be the wurst either.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll spend your Labor Day bitching about the injustice of income inequality and how it will likely lead to the end of this noble experiment we misleadingly call the United States of America. Come Tuesday, you’ll go right back to work, for basically nothing.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll enjoy one last Mobile Bay cruise on Labor Day before it freezes solid for the entirety of fall and winter. Come the Great Spring Thaw, you’ll dust off the sunscreen and remove the mothballs from the swimsuits and towels to welcome back the long-lost beach weather.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll lead a parade in your neighborhood on Labor Day to show mock respect and appreciation to all those losers who spend more time making their lawns look nicer than yours. You’ll mow next weekend, but leave the grass clippings in the gutter like a savage.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll dress up like Rosie the Riveter in appreciation for all the women who work hard and earn an honest wage. You’ll also note that 54 years after the Equal Wage Act, women only earn 79 cents to the dollar men earn.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll host your first and last Ye Old Fashioned Labor Day Cook-Off and Slip ’N Slide Challenge. Turns out, constructing a wet ramp over a fiery grill on a path to a kiddie pool filled with charred hot dogs is rife for legal liability.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll bake a decorative cake for a Labor Day get-together. And by bake I mean buy. And by cake I mean cupcakes. And by get-together I mean the cupcakes will get together in your mouth as you spend another holiday alone.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll wonder how long it will take before Republicans recommend an end to the observance of Labor Day. It was the concept of socialist labor unions, after all, and some blowhard surely has some statistics about the related costs of lost productivity.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll plan out how to eventually quit working completely and still live happily ever after this Labor Day. In spite of “The Man,” you’ll devise a scheme for complete self-sufficiency, right down to composting your own waste and closing your bank accounts in favor of a wampum system.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Just to get under the skin of the cook, you’ll bring a box of Morningstar Farms fake meat patties to throw on the grill along with the real thing. But the joke is on you, as all of the veggies will be primed with a thin layer of bacon grease.