Port City Premonitions

The complete eclipse experience

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Knowing a guy too embarrassed to admit how little he knows about football, you’ll encourage him to attend the “Girls of Fall” fundraiser dressed in drag. He’ll be ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct. You’ll...

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And the nominee is …

Leo (7/23-8/23) — It’s back to school time and you’ll return uninvited just to brush up on state history and possibly make new friends. Someone will steal your lunch money. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate with the least...

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Jailbreak, the sequel

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Happy that Carnival is staying around for another 18 months or so but still financially broke AF, your next cruise will be as a stowaway on a causeway bait boat. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a...

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Sessions’ next step

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Trying to make the most of what’s left of your summer vacation, you’ll take a day off work to sunbathe in a kiddie pool full of ice cream aboard a pontoon boat while trout fishing. You advise Jeff Sessions to...

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We’re all winners!

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You will be disappointed to discover two people can’t Snapchat each other using instant film technology. But you can add “filters” on the photos with markers and send them to others via raven. You win a...

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Key to the seven kingdoms

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Summertime is heating up and not even Ulta has a product to mask your perspiration, so you’ll approach Maester Cressen about preparing a cooling potion. Beware, it’s poison. You’ll get a free lollipop for...

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Summertime blues

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be more than a little steamed when you’re banned from the communal swimming pool for blaring Nickelback on a Bluetooth speaker. After the courts refuse to intervene, you’ll key up “All The Right...

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A long, strange Independence Day

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In Independence Day tradition, you’ll attempt to make ice cream from scratch. Afterward, you’ll inquire with Ben & Jerry’s about licensing your flavor inspired by “The Office” — “Don’t Harsh My...

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A hard rain’s a-gonna fall

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In celebration of your birth month and the conclusion of an extended Netflix binge, you’ll emerge from your waterlogged home to find the daylight much brighter than you remembered. You’ll suffer the first...

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Bringing back more than fanny packs

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll pretend to be a 12-year-old so you can spend your summer at Space Camp. One night during an engine test, you and four teenage campers will be accidentally shot into space. Hilarity will ensue. Then...

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