Port City Premonitions

A few other embarrassments

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — This weekend may be your last opportunity to visit the Mobile International Festival before President Donald Trump builds a wall around it. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by asking for white...

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Unlocking the deadlock

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be overwhelmed with a serious case of FOMO after failing to find the time and money to do everything you want this month. You attempt to resolve the Mobile City Council presidential deadlock with a...

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Aquarius earns high praise

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A mediocre CrossFitter at best, you’ll finally be recognized for your strength when you beat the field of 9-year-olds in the Greater Gulf State Fair tractor pull. Your lucky fair food is corn dogs....

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Scorpio scares kids as 9/11 conspiracist

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll get your jollies on Halloween by hiding in azalea bushes waiting for trick-or-treaters to pass by. Once they’re within earshot, you’ll terrify them by whispering, “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”...

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Your big fat Greek horoscope

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will petition the Oxford English Dictionary to officially correct the pronunciation of the word “gyro.” World-renowned linguists will study the Gulf Coast and agree, it shall henceforth be pronounced...

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Bubba’s Shrimp Fest recommendations

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by Gulf Shores’ split from the Baldwin County School System, you’ll announce your independence from a homeowners association. Like a rebel, you’ll build a pergola in the backyard without consent....

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Halloween costume party

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll come to an office party dressed as “sexy Donald Trump.” The highly political nature of the costume won’t offend your coworkers, but the off-putting nature of the red, white and blue Speedo will....

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Every sign has a lucky TenSixtyFive song

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Relieved the Senate primary campaign is over, you’ll write sarcastic letters to Luther Strange and Roy Moore congratulating them for taking the high road. Your lucky TenSixtyFive song is “Porch Swing Angel”...

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Doomsday prophesies in Trump’s America

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Depressed you couldn’t take part in last weekend’s Juggalo March in Washington, D.C., you’ll make plans to boost your spirits at Anthrocon 2018. You’ll ride out the North Korean apocalypse in the Bankhead...

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An Irma-sized sigh of relief

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — A participant in the Alabama Coastal Cleanup this weekend will retrieve the flip-flop you lost in 2011, but the sunglasses you misplaced in 2013 will never be found. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season...

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