Port City Premonitions

Aquarius’ leadership is smoking hot

Aries (3/21-4/19) — After seeing the excuse repeatedly used in the public sector, you’ll soon begin telling everyone you “resigned” from your last job and were not, in fact, canned for never showing up. Within a few months,...

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Capricorn can’t claim the Iron Throne

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After pursuing it as a personal hobby, you’ll land a job in Washington, D.C., determining whether Barack Obama ever did things President Donald Trump will propose in the future. With constant claims...

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Scorpio is in it for the saltines

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll help the Westboro Baptist Church overcome a persistent public relations problem after pitching a uniquely Mobile solution. Future targets of the notorious protestors will be grateful the slogan...

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Virgo has an Oscars moment

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Discovering that North Korea apparently has access to both lethal neurotoxins and lady assassins, you’ll finally move the Hermit Kingdom up on your “Top 10 Terrifying Countries” list — an unwelcome blow to...

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Sagittarius feels fat and crafty

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll discover your grandmother has secretly hosted strip poker in her nursing home for years. Despite some concerns, the strength of Mima’s bluff game will convince you to join the weekly festivities. Your...

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Cancer constructs the eighth wonder

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll move “ye booty” down to GulfQuest for the pirate exhibit to show everyone you’re not a “scallywag.” You’ll find it interesting “thar,” and leave feeling like a Buccaneer. You’ll tell everyone what a...

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Scorpio crosses the aisle

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll go a little “cavalier” at the first Mardi Gras parade in Mobile by hijacking a horse and stealing the sword from the statue of Raphael Semmes. Once you’re outmanned and cornered by a Segway tour...

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Scorpio’s close encounter

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by the Venardos Circus at the Alabama Contemporary Art Center, you’ll abandon your life to become a carny. But few will be interested in your limited talents, especially your double-jointed thumb...

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Virgo’s business plan nose-dives

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll host your own Senior Bowl this week when you recruit two teams of septuagenarians for an epic game of full-contact pigskin. But the game will be forfeited when a quarterback throws his back out and...

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Aquarius gets off easy

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll receive an unwelcome advance from a friend confused by your signals. To avoid the awkwardness, you’ll simply send more confusing signals. When the tension reaches a climax, you’ll just mumble and...

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