Port City Premonitions

Your big fat Greek horoscope

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will petition the Oxford English Dictionary to officially correct the pronunciation of the word “gyro.” World-renowned linguists will study the Gulf Coast and agree, it shall henceforth be pronounced...

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Bubba’s Shrimp Fest recommendations

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by Gulf Shores’ split from the Baldwin County School System, you’ll announce your independence from a homeowners association. Like a rebel, you’ll build a pergola in the backyard without consent....

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Halloween costume party

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll come to an office party dressed as “sexy Donald Trump.” The highly political nature of the costume won’t offend your coworkers, but the off-putting nature of the red, white and blue Speedo will....

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Every sign has a lucky TenSixtyFive song

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Relieved the Senate primary campaign is over, you’ll write sarcastic letters to Luther Strange and Roy Moore congratulating them for taking the high road. Your lucky TenSixtyFive song is “Porch Swing Angel”...

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Doomsday prophesies in Trump’s America

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Depressed you couldn’t take part in last weekend’s Juggalo March in Washington, D.C., you’ll make plans to boost your spirits at Anthrocon 2018. You’ll ride out the North Korean apocalypse in the Bankhead...

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An Irma-sized sigh of relief

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — A participant in the Alabama Coastal Cleanup this weekend will retrieve the flip-flop you lost in 2011, but the sunglasses you misplaced in 2013 will never be found. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season...

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Random observations and musings

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — College football is here and you’ll transform into a monster devouring chicken wings, pizza, beer and trash talk. You don’t so much insult people, but you do eat so much food and drink so much alcohol that...

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The best Labor Day of 2017

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In honor of Labor Day, you’ll organize a union at work. While conditions and compensation are acceptable by modern standards, your collective mission will be to regularly incorporate Tequila Tuesdays. Libra...

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The complete Beer Fest experience

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll enjoy the 20th annual Dauphin Street Beer Festival in spite of your friend who complains about the absence of gluten-free varieties. To shut them up, you’ll shove a soft pretzel with cheese sauce in...

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The complete eclipse experience

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Knowing a guy too embarrassed to admit how little he knows about football, you’ll encourage him to attend the “Girls of Fall” fundraiser dressed in drag. He’ll be ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct. You’ll...

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