Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll enjoy the 20th annual Dauphin Street Beer Festival in spite of your friend who complains about the absence of gluten-free varieties. To shut them up, you’ll shove a soft pretzel with cheese sauce in their mouth.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll serve as a designated driver during the Dauphin Street Beer Festival, but that doesn’t keep you from overindulging in The Merry Widow’s free hot boiled peanuts. You’ll be so satisfied, you’ll change your name to Charles M. Schulz.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll don your lederhosen and skip arm in arm with your fair maiden while singing “John Jangle Weissbier Doppelbock,” to the delight of absolutely no one. Thankfully, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service will deport you to Austria.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — A lifelong “Champagne of Beers” aficionado, you’ll bemoan the lack of Miller High Life along the Beer Fest route. When you’re offered an ultra-hoppy IPA at Hayley’s, you’ll return home to drink your preferred toilet wine.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll opt out of the Dauphin Street Beer Festival fun and opt in for a case of Bud heavy and reruns of “Family Feud” on the Game Show Network. You’ll get drunk and start your own “Family Feud” game when you call your sister.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With good intentions, you’ll try to dialog with a gentleman sharing his opinions on India Pale Ales — a decision that will cost close to an hour of your time. By the end of the evening, you’ll be no closer to liking a liquid that tastes like old shoes.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be arrested after confusing the date of the Dauphin Street Beer Festival — accidentally stealing beer from more than 30 businesses. While the pretzel necklace will lend some credence to your story, officers will remind you that ignorance of the law is no excuse.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The Dauphin Street Beer Festival will simply serve as a convenient pregame for the Mayweather-McGregor fight. The Mayweather-McGregor fight will simply serve as a convenient pregame for the upcoming college football season.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — About 11 beers in, you’ll hijack a pedicab and lead the Mobile Police Department on a low-speed chase downtown. You’ll be forced off the road by an officer on a Segway, claiming the entire time that it wasn’t you, it was O.J.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll skip the Dauphin Street Beer Festival in order to plan the inaugural Royal Street Deer Festival. It’ll be like Pamplona’s running of the bulls, except it involves camouflage, hunting rifles and some very unfortunate animals.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After several turns on the mechanical livestock at Saddle Up Saloon, you’ll spew a banana nut-flavored brew all over fellow patrons. You’ll be banned for life after the smell of overripe bananas and barley close the establishment for the rest of the night.