Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Having not yet deflated after another indulgent Thanksgiving week, you attempt to overdose on Amazon’s lowest-rated colon cleanse. Your quirky holiday decoration is eight tiny “reinbeers.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Growing increasingly anxious about the upcoming Senate election, you’ll begin each day with a silent, comforting prayer to Morgan Freeman. Your quirky holiday decoration is a twerking Santa.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Taking note of the high price of pecans this year, you opt to purchase an acorn sampler for that person you don’t really care too much about anyway. Your quirky holiday decoration is the Dr. Dreidel.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Recently suffering from a moderate case of dyschronometria, you suddenly snap back to reality when you hear the annual “Toyotathon” jingle. Your quirky holiday decoration is a Festivus pole.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Still groggy-headed from imbibing during the Iron Bowl, you’ll rejuvenate by looking fondly at photos of yourself from “the good ol’ days.” Your quirky holiday decoration is a fishnet leg lamp.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be forcibly removed from the Mobile Symphony’s holiday concert for repeatedly requesting they play “The Christmas Shoes.” Your quirky holiday decoration is a Human Santapede.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As part of a project to design your own locally-sourced fur coat, you use the last of your leftover turkey to set nutria traps in the delta. Your quirky holiday decoration is a Kardashian Kristmas Nativity scene.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Scrambling to buy the last 80 gifts for the final six people on your Christmas list, you’ll forgo thoughtfulness for desperation. Your quirky holiday decoration is Caillou in the bayou.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Being reminded that the University of South Alabama’s former football coach was paid a half million dollars per year, you voluntarily renounce your master’s degree and return to work at McDonalds. Your quirky holiday decoration is a keg of eggnog.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Feeling slightly sorry for former Gov. Don Siegelman for the first time in your life, you’ll send him a Christmas card and something you couldn’t give away at a yard sale. Your quirky holiday decoration is David Cassidy in a pear tree.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Attempting an ambitious recipe in a recently acquired cookbook, the results leave something to be desired but your Snapchat followers will never know the difference. Your quirky holiday decoration is a basket of “Deez chestnuts.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Observing how the Mobile City Council cannot come to a consensus on even the simplest of decisions, you invite them for a team building exercise up Shitz Creek. Your quirky holiday decoration is Bayer’s original cocaine candy canes.