Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your retirement will be ruined as Winn-Dixie announces it will no longer recognize fuelperks at Shell gas stations. While your plan was admittedly risky, the short notice will have you trying to sell $300,000 of regular unleaded by the end of April.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After reading news reports about the college student who tragically died while participating in a pancake-eating contest, you’ll be forced to count your blessings. While you were fortunate enough to outlive your flapjack funneling days, this week’s development will remind you many weren’t so lucky.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Craving some time by the ocean but fearing the summertime traffic of eastbound I-10, you’ll start systematically smuggling sand into Cooper Riverside Park in hopes of building a makeshift beach hideaway. Fortunately, residents in downtown Mobile will just assume it’s another one of Sandy Simpson’s seasonal tourism gimmicks.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After PETA helps to outlaw the use of the bunny as an official Easter mascot, you’ll rise to prominence with the idea to replace it with a beaver. Luckily, no one cares about beavers and the Easter beaver will live on forever.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Your garage band, Fork, will be invited to open for Spoon when it headlines the Soul Kitchen later this month. What was once considered a dumb name for your band will bring you fame and fortune, at least for one night.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Next year, after rigorous workouts, you’ll attempt to make the NBA’s new D-League team in Mobile. Unfortunately, you’ll embarrass yourself at the tryouts for the Mobile MoonPies after each of your shots ends with airballs.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll work with Wal-Mart in two years to develop a new waterfront stadium for the Mobile BayBears. It’ll be named for the giant company and, as a catch to secure the funds to build it, will contain a Wal-Mart Supercenter on site.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll earn some valuable groupie points when you help a band set up for their gig at SouthSounds this weekend. Granted, they can’t afford to pay you, but you’ll have your choice of stickers from the merch table.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — With the children back in school where they belong, you decide to take advantage of the vacant beaches and enjoy an adult Spring Break. Sadly, you’ll be declared “too old” for the wet T-shirt contest and only accomplish two-and-a-half turns of the dizzy bat before succumbing to a mild heart attack.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Inspired by the groundbreaking “S-Town” podcast, you’ll drink a pint of Wild Turkey and build a labyrinth in a kudzu patch. Years later, when your nipples fall off from excessive piercings, you’ll fire-gild your own golden replacements.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll break out in interpretive dance to Mr. Mister’s 1985 hit “Broken Wings” when your waitress at Heroes delivers a hot batch of Buffalo style. Afterwards, while you’re washing them down with a Miller, you’ll interpret “Circle of Life.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — It’ll be you who leads the rebellion against Toys R Us and WKRG when it’s finally revealed the months-long livestream of that giraffe’s birth was little more than an internet marketing hoax. When the dust settles, future generations will chant “No More April Fools” for years to come.