Virgo (8/23-9/22) — A participant in the Alabama Coastal Cleanup this weekend will retrieve the flip-flop you lost in 2011, but the sunglasses you misplaced in 2013 will never be found. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by booking a discounted vacation in a disaster zone.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — The American Red Cross will put your financial contribution to use on a rebranding effort transitioning to a more nonpartisan “Gray Cross” color scheme. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by binge-drinking all the bottled water you hoarded.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Disappointed that Mar-a-Lago weathered Hurricane Irma relatively unscathed, you’ll plan to pull off the flaming bag of dog poop prank the next time the Trumps are in town. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by battening up the hatches.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— Relieved your own property is excluded from FEMA’s flood maps, you’ll host the inaugural “High and Dry Fest,” where attendees smoke weed and sample antiperspirants. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by noting it is the beginning of Alabama’s tornado season.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — When your effort to attract monarch butterflies to your yard instead attracts a swarm of moths, you’ll uproot all your flowers and replace them with pet rocks. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by complaining about how cold 60 F. feels.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After reading an article about the recent popularity of hard sodas, you’ll write a smash hit country ballad, “A Coda in my Soda.” You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by giving WKRG Chief Meteorologist Alan Sealls a hug.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be delighted to received 12 emails from Lagniappe in two days, later writing a letter to the editor suggesting they actually send more. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by vigorously stirring a cup of chocolate milk, creating a small vortex in your kitchen.

Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll offer to serve as an unqualified and voluntary mediator for Fairhope’s municipal government, settling all disputes with a game of Twister. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by drinking a hurricane cocktail.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In a hat-tip to Attorney General Jeff Sessions, you’ll also destroy a child’s dreams when you buy them a hot fudge McFlurry instead of an M&M Blizzard. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by saying “roll tide” under your breath.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll return to your secret lab in an effort to genetically modify love bugs to introduce non-sticking traits upon vehicular impact. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by naming your first daughter Katrina.

Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Your cheerful and kind demeanor and focus on your tasks will be appreciated by someone who has been extremely lazy lately. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by flying double red flags … in bed.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your excitement over the new iPhone will be tempered by the disappointment over your paycheck. You’ll welcome the end of hurricane season by igniting a wildfire in Oregon.