As the Lagniappe is a well-known supporter of live music in the Bay City, I thought you might want the scoop on a really good deal for catching great shows in Mobile, on the cheap. If this gets you as excited about catching a concert as it does me, please don’t keep it to yourselves. My hope is that you will share the following info with all my fellow Nappie-readers. Cheers to you!

Okay, my fellow concertgoers, here’s the inside skinny on the best deal in town for cheap, live music. It’s gonna surprise you, but it is floor tickets at the Saenger. That’s right, floor tickets; just like at a Dead Show! I’m talking bona fide, come-one-come-all, rush-the-stage floor tickets, at the Saenger! And the best part is, they are the cheapest seats in the place. Yep, for the same price as the cheapest, nosebleed seat in the house, you can cozy on up, down on the main floor. All you have to do is buy the least expensive seat you can, and use it. Yes, sit there, but only until right after the main act begins, because once the lights go down and the main act begins, you are free to, as they say, ‘move about the cabin.’ Now, you may go nearly any place you please. And next stop, the main floor! To hell with your cheap seats! You’re headed for the aisles and all those empty seats downstairs, between the chumps who were fool enough to pay for those fancy shmancy orchestra seats. Ha! It’s that easy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…one of two things, either “hey, that’s dishonest” or “heyyy, what about security?” But you needn’t worry. My response is the same on both accounts. “Don’t sweat it. No one at the Saenger cares.” I repeat, “NO ONE AT THE SAENGER CARES.” Seriously, there’s no one at the wheel to care. No kidding, during a show, the whole place is being piloted by a hodgepodge of vendors and volunteers, and about two off duty cops. There are no staff nor management to be found anywhere. So when some gloomy chump gets all whiney, mewling about, saying “hey no fair, I paid for orchestra seats,” just let ‘em whine. Even if he wants to go complain, there is no one there to listen. Truly, the crybaby has few options.

First choice? He might speak to the security guy guarding the door to the box seats, but big deal, you can beat him to this one by buddying up to that guard long before crybaby’s panties start to wad. Next option? Volunteer ushers. Need I say more? This option is good for a laugh! Just dance on, and watch as Mr. Whiney-pants is turned around by the simple truth, “Sir, I’m a volunteer.” Now at this point, Mr. Orchestra Seat’s only choice is the bar staff, whom, you guessed it, don’t even work for the Saenger anyway! Hahahaha! You have to admit it is pretty funny, the thought of some poor slob, off bleating for an employee of the Saenger, to “police those gosh-durned orchestra seats.” Ha! And then finding no one! Haha! Priceless!

And in the meantime, you, of course, can simply move on into those recently vacated seats. That’s what I call a WIN in my book! So what if a few overpaying ding-dongs get mad. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke. Their mamas should have told them that life isn’t fair. You know? Just think about it this way: ultimately, you’re doing old whiney-pants a favor, by helping him learn a tough lesson or two about sour grapes. You are actually a modern-day Samaritan! And with the phat concert seats to prove it!

So remember, it isn’t your fault that absentee leadership fosters a free-for-all and festival atmosphere in the Saenger. Not at all. On the contrary, it is your fortune! Now go on! Enjoy yourself! Catch a show at the Saenger Theatre in Mobile. But take my advice, don’t be fool enough to pay for those floor seats, especially when you don’t have to. Woohoo y’all! Keep on rocking, just do it on the cheap!

Yours Truly,
B. Nolen (AKA Dammit Boy)
Mobile, AL

Postscript: Don’t bother trying to squeeze into the box seats. Those are the only seats protected at the Saenger, and they are guarded like the stage is. Otherwise, buy the cheap tix because it’s laissez faire at the Saenger! Don’t be a chump, just laissez bon temps rouler!
BTW, this is satire, and BAD advice. Dammit Boy = Whiney Pants = B. Nolen of Mobile, AL