(The following is one of billions of possible conversations that might have taken place at 30,000 feet last week aboard “Luv Guv 1” — Alabama’s state jet — as it hauled Gov. Robert Bentley, his ex-aide and alleged mistress Rebekah Mason, her husband Jon Mason and various office staff to the presidential inauguration. Let’s listen in …)

Bentley: “Oh, Rebekah, I’m so glad you and Jim could be here today as we fly to our nation’s capital to watch President Trump take control. This is almost as exciting as checking an entire high school cheerleading squad for skin cancer!”

Rebekah Mason: “Thank you for having us up here Bobby. I absolutely LOVE what you’ve done with the jet since the last time I was in here. This deep shag carpet and plush paisley chairs are so retro. And the heart-shaped bed looks mighty comfy.”

Jon Mason: “Um, my name is Jon, actually …”

Bentley: “I’m sooo glad you like it, Rebekah! Without you around to ‘advise’ me I had to wing it a bit. Get it? ‘Wing it?’ Hahaha!

Rebekah: (giggling) “Oh Bobby!”

Bentley: “Actually, I watched this very funny — although certainly not church-approved — movie called ‘Austin Powers’ and he had this very ‘groovy’ jet. I just knew you’d find it ‘shagadelic, baby!’ Hahaha!”

Jon Mason: “Uh, that movie’s like 30 years old. Nobody says ‘shagadelic’ anymore …” (Rebekah stares him down. He cowers.)

Rebekah: “Well you were right, Bobby! I can’t tell if it’s the lava lamps, the altitude, the champagne — or the company (wink, wink) — but I’m getting a little lightheaded. I might need to give that bed a spin (giggle).”                 

Bentley (arching an eyebrow): “Well, as you can see, the governor’s cabin is sealed off from the rest of the plane, and I had it soundproofed for total privacy, in case that nosy Wanda is ever on board. To-tal privacy. The staff is in the back right now figuring out how to keep me from getting impeached and eating Subway sandwiches. Up here it’s prime rib, champagne and reruns of ‘The Beverly Hillbillies.’ Fat city. I even got some of those cute little bags of airline peanuts. Y’all want some?”

Rebekah: “Did you say penis? Oh my, governor naughty pants! I thought we were going to stop talking like that!”

Bentley: “Uh, oh, ha, ha. I think you might have misheard me, Rebekah! Ha, ha, ha! (Whispers) Your usband-hay is right ear-hay!”

Jon Mason: “I don’t get what’s so funny. Hey, Governor Bob, how fast does this airplane go?”

Bentley: “Well, Jimmy, let’s just say it could fly my wallet from Montgomery to Fort Morgan in less than an hour.”

Jon Mason: “Whoa!! … Um, it’s Jon, by the way.”

Rebekah: “Governor, have you been working out? Your arms look so … powerful. I bet if you wrapped them around me I wouldn’t be able to get away …”

Bentley: “Ha, ha … That’s something we’ll have to see about LATER, Bekah. But it does remind me, I think we’re flying over Tennessee’s famous MELON-GROWING region. They get really big up here. Hee, hee.”

Jon Mason (moving to the window to look down): “Oh cool, I want to see them!”

Bentley: “So do I, Jeff, so do I … Say, listen guys, there was a little something I wanted to talk about before we land, so Bekah, why don’t you come sit here next to me on the bed. Jeff, pour us some more champagne. Let’s chew the fat!”
Rebekah: “Bobby, you seem so serious! What’s wrong, Governator?”

Bentley: “Oh nothing’s wrong, per se. I just thought it might be good for Jim …

Jon Mason: “It’s Jon.”

Bentley: “Yeah, that’s what I meant. I thought it might be good for your husband to hear straight from my horse mouth that our ‘inappropriate relationship’ is totally over and he can be completely comfortable with you coming on these little secret business trips again. With all these political enemies out to get me I’m going to need Rebekah’s help more than ever. She’s so smart. And Jon, you’re doing such a great job at whatever agency Bekah gave you to run. You probably don’t really need her help there.”

Rebekah: “Jon, what Bobby’s trying to say is the people of Alabama really need me. There’s so much left to accomplish. Look how lost they are without me. His silly staffers even forgot to tell President Trump last week about the I-10 bridge in Mobile and now everyone’s mad at our guvy. And on top of that they’re still talking about impeaching him for no reason. We simply can’t have that!”

Jon: “Listen, Governor, I only have one question. Is Rebekah going to be paid for her help?”
Bentley: “Boatloads, Jimmy.”

Jon: “We’ll then, y’all have fun. Say, Governor, you think I could fly this thing for a while?”

Bentley: “That’s a great idea, Josh! Maybe you can go up to the cockpit for a half hour or so. Make sure they tell you what each and every doohickey up there does. Take your time. Bekah and I have some things to go over before we land.”

Rebekah: “Woo-hoo! Time to renew our membership in the Mile High …”

Bentley: “Bekah!!”

Jon: “Don’t sweat it, Governor. We gotta pay the bills somehow. Let me go see those pilots.” (Leaves the cabin.)

Rebekah: “I thought he’d never leave!”

Bentley: “I know! I was about to give him an official State of Alabama parachute and a swift kick in the pants! Speaking of pants, do you think there’s room for mine in the overhead compartment, naughty stewardess?”

Rebekah: “Oh Bobby, I’d love to make sure your tray table is in the upright and locked position, but aren’t you worried? What are people going to say? I’m just so scared everyone will start talking bad about us again, just because it seems so completely insane that you would get me and my husband together and fly on a state-owned jet to D.C. while there’s all that impeachment talk.”

Bentley: “Oh, Bekah, you’re worrying too much. Remember how Luther Strange told those idiots on Goat Hill to stop impeachment proceedings until he tells them they can start again, and how he’s already told everyone he’s going to run for Jeff Sessions’ seat?”

Rebekah: “Yeah?”

Bentley: “And remember who gets to pick not only Sessions’ replacement but Big Luther’s, should he happen to leave his investigation behind and head for D.C.?”

Rebekah: “Oh yeah!”

Bentley (grabbing Rebekah in his arms): “Besides, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I really don’t give a mule’s backside about what anyone says. I’m the Luv Guv!”

Rebekah: “Oh, Bobby!”

Bentley: “It’s going to be a shagariffic last two years in office!”