Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by the Venardos Circus at the Alabama Contemporary Art Center, you’ll abandon your life to become a carny. But few will be interested in your limited talents, especially your double-jointed thumb and ability to make your palms fart.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll become the subject of social media ire for catching a ride from Uber during a boycott of the ride-sharing service for its CEO’s support of President Trump. Despite apologizing for the honest mistake, you’ll still be labeled as a fascist monster anytime you log onto Twitter.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After a tour of midtown homes, you’ll create an interactive app showcasing all the Civil War ghosts within — the Confederate deserter killed in Oakleigh, the Union general who fought his last battle on Old Shell and the Statesman that’s technically still alive in Spring Hill.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Given the poor showing last year, you’ll start training your palate early for the 2017 Cajun Cook-Off. Following a few days of increasingly hot jambalaya, you’ll try keeping mild chilies under your tongue throughout the workday until you’re spotted crying near the water cooler.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After seeing the British Parliament in action, you’ll be sad to learn you can’t “buy season tickets” to their debates. The good news is you can always get your fix of “older white people politely insulting one another” on the racquetball courts of the local YMCA.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — It’ll be time for the Groom-Groom when you start the first-ever dog and cat Mardi Gras parade. But there will be no throws, as moonpies are toxic to our furry friends, plastic beads are a choking hazard and animals have noodle arms in general.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll start Mobile’s version of the Chewbacchus Mardi Gras parade in Mobile. You’ll upset the crowd, though, when you show up in a float designed to look like the Starship Enterprise. You will make the classic mixup and bring on nerd rage.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — To add to what is considered a golden age for downtown dining, you’ll open up an all-fusion restaurant. Due to an enormous menu with cuisine from all over the world, you’ll fail when nobody shows up out of confusion.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — So, the Earth will blow up soon. There will be good news for you, though, as you’ll become the first governor of the Martian colony. Because of your love for basketball, you’ll force the colony to move to the moon for better dunks.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In order to preserve your encounter for eternity, you’ll schedule a recording session with StoryCorps to discuss your alien abduction. When you learn the tale never made it to the Library of Congress, you’ll realize how deeply embedded the lizard people really are.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be surprised to see the water-based smoking apparatus that was confiscated from your college dorm room is now part of the new drug exhibit at the Exploreum. You and Bong Marley once created a lot of memories, but you mostly forgot them all.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll drink so many margaritas at Roosters you’ll grow feathers and start crowing on the roof of a barn. Things will come full circle when you’re unceremoniously slaughtered in a factory farm and served in a artisinal burrito.