Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Discovering that North Korea apparently has access to both lethal neurotoxins and lady assassins, you’ll finally move the Hermit Kingdom up on your “Top 10 Terrifying Countries” list — an unwelcome blow to your #7 seed, Russia. You’ll give up reading Facebook comments for Lent.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — The livestream of April the Giraffe’s lengthy labor will get interesting for the first time after you spot an impatient man from New Jersey breaking into the habitat to attempt an unsanctioned, and frankly ill-advised, C-section on the 14-foot mammal. You’ll give up “some” tacos for Lent.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To better follow Alabama’s regular legislative session, you’ll travel to Goat Hill for a firsthand experience. However, due to the similar atmospheres, it will take you a full day to realize you accidentally attended a WWE event at Garrett Coliseum. You’ll give up funk for Lent.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After Krispy Kreme informs you there’s a limit on its “donuts for Mardi Gras beads” exchange, you’ll spend next week trying to convince a Waffle House employee that an omelet is worth 318 pounds of cheap plastic. You’ll give up using the word “moist” for Lent.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by recent media reports, you’ll become Mobile’s first real-life “superhero.” You’ll be called “The Jumbo Shrimp” by this newspaper and will only get in the way of police. You’ll give up paying attention to coworkers for Lent.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll organize a “Mobile triathlon” for charity full of things Mobilians would do on a weekly basis. The events will include eating a Callaghan’s burger, complaining about new attractions and getting stuck in Friday traffic. You’ll give up grapefruit for Lent.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — At this year’s Nappies you’ll announce the wrong winner for best burger. As punishment, you’ll be forced to chop a month’s worth of onions. You’ll give up Tinder for Lent. You’ll be swiping right on Jesus.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll cheat on your resolution diet when you’re found in bed with the remains of a King Cake on your face. It’ll be very embarrassing for you, but you made it through February. You’ll give up solid food for Lent.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll get rich selling glasses of milk at the Mobile Chocolate Festival. In a stroke of genius, you’ll add chocolate to the milk, and the world will be yours. You’ll give up pudding for Lent.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Still hungover from Fat Tuesday, you’ll go ahead and schedule your spring vacation this week. Nothing says rest, relaxation and whole-body detoxification like a trip to Cancun. You’ll give up sausage for Lent.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll attend U.S. Rep. Bradley Byrne’s town hall meeting to ask about the Obamacare replacement. Their goal is to repeal the individual mandate. Your goal will be to cure the political cancer of our democracy. You’ll give up Lent for Lent.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You and your Americana band will take promotional photos in a cotton field. You’ll return with a renewed sense of respect for slave laborers, and a very cliché image you can share with your 200 Facebook followers. You’ll give up cornpone for Lent.