Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll host your own Senior Bowl this week when you recruit two teams of septuagenarians for an epic game of full-contact pigskin. But the game will be forfeited when a quarterback throws his back out and your linebacker breaks a hip.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After weeks of failing to clean up after yourself, you’ll implement a two-drink minimum for those visiting your home in hopes that libations might distract from your unkemptness. Unfortunately, you’ll enforce the rule on yourself as well, which will do you no favors in the quest for tidiness.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll make the mistake of momentarily forgetting two of your dinner guests have extremely opposing views of America’s 45th president. After two hours of competing hyperbole, you’ll suggest that maybe one person can’t destroy or surpass 200 years of democratic tradition — a statement that somehow angers everyone.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Sadness will “Creep” in after you discover #alternativefacts isn’t a resurgence of ‘90s alt rock trivia. However, “In the Meantime” you’ll “Enjoy the Silence” and try not to let it turn you into a “Basket Case.” Despite feeling “All Mixed Up,” you’ll try to be the “Better Man.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Despite an uptick in the number of muggings in the downtown area, you’ll forgo buying a concealed handgun in favor of a less lethal form of protection: fighting squirrels. The Bienville Square Nine, as they’ll be known, will keep you from being victimized any time soon.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) —You’ll open the world headquarters of the Lucasite church. The new religion will be based on George Lucas’ Star Wars films, as if they actually happened in the past. You’ll end each prayer with “May the Force be with you.”
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll take Carnival a little too seriously when you vow to only eat meat until Fat Tuesday. Ambitious as it may be, it will only increase your blood pressure and cholesterol. It will also decrease your libido, but luckily your significant other won’t want to sleep with you anyway.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — To one-up Dauphin’s in the view department, you’ll create the first blimp restaurant. You’ll settle on the name Floaters, after you discover Blimpies is already taken. You’ll close up shop after the Feds threaten to shoot you down for interfering with air traffic.
Libra (9/23-10/22) —You’ll call in sick to work with a goal of spending a bright winter day riding up and down in the glass elevators of the Government Plaza tower. Unfortunately, you’ll pick the wrong day and only get one trip before it’s time to go home and get ready for the next day.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll welcome the return of the Mardi Gras season by changing your name to Chief Flaccabinoseminole and speaking a language you believe to be French. You’ll be simultaneously sued by the Native American Rights Fund and slapped by a beautiful Parisian.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your gig as the emcee at the Arty Awards will flop when you open with the joke, “Who’s ready to get this Arty started?” The entire room will collectively sigh when you follow up with “We’re going to Arty like it’s 1999.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You decide to become a prison pen pal to former Gov. Don Siegelman after Obama declined to commute his sentence. But you’ll find his time on the inside has really screwed with his head, as the only thing he writes is “Karl Rove” over and over again.