Leo (7/23-8/23) — For a good time, put your hair in dreadlocks, don some really filthy overalls and head down to the Papadosio show this week to sell glow sticks and incense. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on public safety.

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Agreeing that the celebrity chef craze is overdone, you attempt to incorporate the pages of your Jamie Oliver cookbook into a new recipe for green bean casserole. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on rabies prevention.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — In a new effort to improve your health and lower your carbon footprint, you’ll use LimeBike for 99 percent of your daily travel. The other 1 percent is pogo stick. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on Mike Dow’s Ferry to Nowhere.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Placing your first-ever legal sports wager, you give the University of South Alabama a one in a million chance of reaching the inaugural Sun Belt Championship Game. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on a world-class lawn mower racing track.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on a soundproof booth for the soundproof booth at the EPA.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Hoping to catch the attempted buglary suspect from Old Dutch, you set up a cardboard box trap with a banana split for bait. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on Free Ice Cream Fridays.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Trying to cash in on the abandonment of city emergency services beyond the police jurisdiction, you transform your Uber vehicle into a civilian ambulance. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on building a dome over Ladd Stadium.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Disappointed that Fred Richardson may never ascend to the City Council presidency, you encourage him to run for dogcatcher. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent that guy who beached his sailboat in Orange Beach.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be forcibly removed from the new Bojangles’ Chicken & Biscuits after you’re caught stuffing uncooked dough in your pants. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent building an igloo in August.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Reading about insect superheroes in your garden, you attempt to genetically modify several species so they also pull weeds and mow your lawn. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on a Master of Arts degree in Fine Arts.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Looking for a little alone time in an increasingly hectic world, you’ll enjoy a game of baseball or basketball at the University of South Alabama. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on an oversized Lego attraction.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Increasing your alcohol tolerance in preparation for the Dauphin Street Beer Festival, you’ll exchange your Listerine for Dr. McGillicuddy’s. Your municipal taxpayer money would be better spent on President Trump’s re-election campaign.