This week we will gather together with people we share some DNA with to eat a type of bird we only eat once a year, topped with gelatinous cranberry “sauce” out of a can. Aunts will make schedules for the oven, while uncles make schedules for the TV and the football that must be watched. Cousins who have perfected the art of humble bragging will annoy the cousins who Maw Maw considers to be the black sheep of the family. Grandpa will clean his plate and make the joke that the food was just “terrible” at least three times.

Oh, Thanksgiving, you really are the best holiday of them all!

But if you really want to jack it up and cause discord there are a number of ways in which you can accomplish this. You could just say out loud all of the insane conspiracy theories and inappropriate comments your crazy Aunt Lucille puts on Facebook, or you can use any of the suggestions below, which are also guaranteed to start a civil war and cause alternate plans to be made for Christmas.

National politics

The Number One way to ruin any family gathering is to bring up politics. It is very rare to find a family where every member shares the same political views. And much like posting snarky memes on Facebook, no “discussion” about it while eating green bean casserole is ever going to change anyone’s mind. Ever. But if you just can’t help yourself and you really want to stir the pot, then you can drop some of these bombs in the conversation.

To make your Republican relatives angry, just say one or more of these lines:

I just don’t get it, Uncle (insert name). How can you defend that petulant, blithering, Tweeting idiot who happens to be our president?

I know you hate Hillary but you have to admit, she’d be better than that fool.

So how many sexual predators have y’all put on the Supreme Court now?

You don’t get due process in a “job interview.”

MSNBC really is the most balanced network there is.

Jim Acosta is a national hero.

I think we really need abolish ICE.

George Soros, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Tom Steyer, Clinton (Bill), Clinton (Hillary).

They only reason y’all can win any election is gerrymandering. Rigged!


We have so many awesome candidates running for president, 2020 is ours!

To make your Democratic relatives angry, just say this:

He doesn’t get the credit now, but mark my words, Donald Trump will go down in history as one of the greatest presidents of all time.

The fake news media has never treated a president like this. EVER. They can’t say anything nice about him at all. Half the time, I want to hand out brown paper bags to the commentators on MSNBC. (I mean the clips I see, because I, of course, never watch that channel.)

Ruth Bader Ginsburg looks ill.

How can you have an economy like this and say he is not doing a good job?

Christine Blasey Ford is nothing but an attention-seeking liar. How much did she get in her little GoFundMe account? Like almost a million dollars. Uh huh.

Y’all made a huge mistake by trying to ruin a good man like Justice Kavanaugh. How would you feel if that was your husband or son?

The only reason y’all won the House back is the officials let dead people vote. Rigged!

You want to take care of disease-carrying gang members but you don’t care anything at all about our veterans. Typical.

FOX News is the only channel that even tries to treat the president fairly.

Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence, Sheldon Adelson, Jared Kushner, Trump (Donald), Trump (Ivanka), Trump (Don Jr.), Trump (Eric).

Lock her up!

Sarah Huckabee Sanders does a great job. I hope she gets her own show one day.

I am not worried about 2020 at all because y’all will definitely nominate someone completely unelectable like you always do.

Local politics

For the family full of Mobilians tired of talking about Beltway turkeys, go local …

To enrage anti-Stimpson folks …

Sandy Stimpson is the best mayor this city has ever had. It’s a shame that the City Council constantly tries to undermine him.

To enrage pro-Stimpson folks …

The cleanest, safest and most business- and family-friendly city by 2020? Puh-leez. Crime is out of control and he ran on being able to communicate better with the City Council members than Sam Jones did and now his relationship is just as bad.


To irritate the meat eaters in your family …

I hope that poor, innocent, defenseless turkey gives you Salmonella.

To irritate non-meat eaters …

I like a good breast, but dark meat is best. That’s some good eatin’!

Iron Bowl

To upset your Auburn relatives …

Tell me again. How much did y’all give Gus to stay? Was it more than you gave Scam Newton?

I really do wish y’all had a better team. I want the Iron Bowl to at least be somewhat competitive.

WDE, you booger-eatin’ Barner!

To upset your Alabama relatives …

You got a second?

I’m wearing this Auburn shirt because I went to school there. You are wearing that Bammer shirt because you went to Walmart.

Rohl Tawd, you cousin-marrying Bammer!

See, it’s not even fun to talk about any of these things anymore (well except for the Iron Bowl trash talkin’, because that’s all in good fun and it’s our duty as Alabamians). But the rest of this stuff just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s just too easy and we get too much of this crap on social media every day.

So be thankful for the folks you have eaten turkey and dressing and sweet potato casserole and gelatinous, canned cranberry “sauce” with for most of your life, even if you disagree with them on just about everything. Your Aunt Lucille may be crazy but she’s yours and she loves you.

So this Thanksgiving, step away from your Facebook and Twitter feeds, turn off the cable news and turn on the football. There is indeed so much to be thankful for and it has absolutely nothing to do with the turkeys we’ve elected!

Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble! Gobble!