Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After it’s revealed that anyone can leave a bad team and join the Patriots, the team will take on a staggering 385 new players heading into week eight. The rest of the NFL season will just be Tom Brady discussing his diet while other guys practice routes.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — America will be shocked to learn President Jimmy Carter has been prone to fall injuries in recent months not because of his advanced age but because he’s taken up Parkour. After resting for a week, he’ll be back to wall-climbing himself to Sunday school.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Firefighters will respond to your home after a burning sacrifice aimed at healing Tua Tagovailoa’s ankle sets your work shed ablaze. Bammers themselves, the men will join you in prayer as the building burns to the ground around you.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After hearing about a “damning,” “unprecedented” bombshell dropped in the closed-door impeachment inquiry into President Trump’s dealings with Ukraine, you’ll begin preparing for the inevitable — that absolutely nothing about anything will change at all.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Learning from your past mistakes, you prepare for the Hangout Oyster Cook-Off by smuggling a pack of saltines and a bottle of hot sauce into the venue via your underwear. The saltines will turn to a fine powder before you walk through the gate, but it’s the mishap with the sauce that will teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After being gifted a new smoker for your birthday, you’ll set to practice by cooking up nine chickens at once and filling the grill to capacity. However, after the sixth straight day of being forced to eat dry chicken for dinner, your family will leave you for a Hot-N-Ready pizza.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be disturbed to discover the city has turned all of Langan Park into tennis courts to fulfill the needs of residents suffering from yellow ball fever. The sickness begins sweeping all of West Mobile and it can’t be contained. You and a small group of survivors are the only ones who won’t be impacted by the disease.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll ignore the warnings from Councilman Fred Richardson about not fishing or consuming fish from the lake at Tricentennial Park following a fish kill. After one bite of the lake’s bounty, you’ll be transformed into Scales Man. You won’t have any superpowers except for the ability to vomit on command.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Hearing news about how helpful Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was in hiring campaign staff for a certain political candidate, you’ll ask him for help with lineup optimization for your fantasy football team. After he tries to start Nick Foles at quarterback, you’ll learn the truth.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Inspired by a recent trip to Oktoberfest in Georgia, you and your best friend will start a German-themed, polka-type band in Mobile called the “Sour Krauts.” You’ll mix the demeanor of Pearl Jam with the music from an accordion. What could go wrong?
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll start a local public-access show where you just sit and yell about traffic. You’ll take on all the major issues from folks who stop at flashing yellow lights to people who slow down to about 20 mph in the tunnels. It’ll be the best show on television.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — There will be egg on your face after Rep. Bradley Byrne files a bill asking Congress to formally condemn you as “a big fat loser” because of the “lame, FAKE” tweets you made about President Trump. When the bill is voted down, he’ll spray paint “#MAGA” on your house.
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