Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After pledging not to, you’ll break down and pre-order Disney+ in order to keep up with all of the new “Star Wars” content being released. However, like the movies, it will only serve to frustrate your sensibilities as a longtime fan while syphoning money from your wallet.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Outed as a #nevertrumper, former President George Washington will have his monument on the National Mall torn down by fervent supporters of Donald Trump. Once they realize he didn’t support Trump because he wasn’t alive in the 1700s, they’ll rebuild it … poorly.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — With the NCAA gearing up to allow college athletes to make money from their name, image and likeness, you’ll be able to cash in on your time as a community college chess champion. Shirts with your catch phrase, “Oh, what a Knight!” will sell out immediately.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — To avoid being dragged into the city of Mobile and forced to pay higher taxes, you’ll move farther out into the county. While the septic tank will take some getting used to, you’ll find all the supplies you need to sustain yourself at any of the 10 Dollar General stores nearby.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Finding yourself in the odd position of defending former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, you’ll remind several alleged adults/politicians that law enforcement officials aren’t supposed to investigate things they have a personal connection to because obviously they aren’t.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In an attempt to get ahead of your summer plans, you’ll set aside some time to not watch the new Minor League Baseball team in Mobile. It’ll fit perfectly in your schedule between not visiting the GulfQuest National Maritime Museum and only riding the duck boats once.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll spend all night explaining your costume choice at a friend’s annual after-Halloween costume party. With a bed sheet around your torso and with green paint on your face under a black hat, you’ll declare that you are “Resting Witch Face” to a round of applause.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Due to a deep distrust of government built upon years of watching cable news shows, you’ll campaign hard for a very elegant giraffe to become the new member of Congress from South Alabama. Unfortunately, the giraffe will lose in a runoff.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll start a drunken square dancing class at a local brewery. Every participant will imbibe beer heavily before partaking in the folk dance. Do-si-doing has never been so sloppy or dangerous.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Instead of allowing West Mobile to be annexed into the city, you and neighbors will build a wall, starting at the intersection of Airport and Schillinger. The plan will become a disappointment when it’s discovered that you’ve spent more on materials for the wall than the increase in taxes would’ve cost you.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In a perversion of a somewhat famous Birmingham sign, you’ll paint a mural in the Eastern Shore’s most popular city that will read, “Fairhope Doesn’t Want You Here, Please Leave.” It will perfectly sum up how residents there feel about tourists and geese.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll open up a farm-to-table sandwich shop called “The Farmer in the Dell-i” inside GulfQuest National Maritime Museum. The most popular item will be an extra-long grilled cheese sandwich called “The Cheese Stands Alone.”
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