Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an attempt to expedite the health department’s permitting process for your new food truck, “Can’t Hurry a Curry,” you’ll block all imports of basmati rice. The Von’s Bistro trailer will accuse you of a quid pro quo.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Hoping to encourage at least one of them to end their life as a career politician, you invite Jeff Sessions and Roy Moore to engage in a six-shooter duel on Dauphin Street at high noon. When the smoke finally clears, Doug Jones will be there taking all the guns away.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You splice all the films at the Fairhope Film Fest to insert fractions-of-a-second subliminal messages about sewage spills in the bay. No attendee will leave any wiser, but everyone will be constipated for a week.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As part of a brazen “Truth or Dare” bet, you walk into Spanish Fort City Hall and attempt to trigger Mayor Mike McMillan. He manages to keep his cool until you argue that the La-Z-Boy furniture store is actually in Daphne’s corporate limits.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Fearing the implications of being caught up in an argument about race and annexation, you pack your West Mobile family into a covered wagon and head even farther west. You won’t make it to Big Creek Lake before your entire party succumbs to cholera and diptheria.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After a night of heavy drinking, someone hands you a packet of John Serda’s hangover miracle cure. Mistaking it for a different kind of powder, you snort a few lines and never drink again.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Remembering little to nothing about that insignificant academic scholarship you were awarded in 2004, you fail to see how the stars have since aligned. Also, Epstien didn’t kill himself.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As an ironic form of silent protest, you buy the entire front row of Louis C.K.’s upcoming performance at the Saenger Theatre so you and your friends can masturbate while he tells jokes. Wait for the punchline.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As “Remember, Remember the Fifth of November” posts start showing up on your timeline, you’ll begin your annual process of purging anyone over 30 who still thinks “V for Vendetta” was a good movie.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — With Auburn’s football season all but over, you’ll begin to focus on the school’s newly relevant basketball program. However, you’ll quickly remember that hoops don’t get interesting until at least February.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Realizing it’s never too early to prepare the Thanksgiving turkey, you begin to brine a 14-pound bird in your refrigerator weeks in advance. Much to your guests’ delight, it needs no other treatment. It’s turkey ceviche.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be surprised at the reaction most Alabama fans have to President Trump being loudly booed at Bryant–Denny Stadium. With their love for the Tide and POTUS near equal, many will simply retreat into the woods to avoid having to choose a side.
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