Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll dry a wool blanket on high heat to help combat the frigid temperatures, but will be briefly hospitalized after receiving a legendary shock of static electricity. Your presence will also inadvertently cause microwaves to short circuit for the rest of your life.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After reading Nikki Haley’s new book and Donald Trump Jr.’s new book and the Anonymous book published by a former White House official, you’ll realize the people making decisions about our day-to-day lives have way too much time on their hands.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll be shocked to learn at your next checkup that there’s an alien living in your chest. It won’t spring from your guts or anything, but it is the reason you’re obsessed with sports debate shows on ESPN.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your significant other will criticize you for binging shows on your favorite streaming service. Eventually those complaints and the constant drone of the auto-play previews will mix into a white noise. You’ll get the best night’s sleep of your life.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — As a form of protest against the tyranny of college reporters doing their jobs, you’ll burn copies of your favorite newspaper to keep warm. The warmth of the embers won’t match the warmth in your heart for misunderstanding the point of journalism.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After seeing how excited he was to attend a football game with the president, you’ll invite Bradley Byrne to your daughter’s fourth birthday party. In addition to cake and ice cream, you’ll sweeten the deal by telling the congressman that Doug Jones will be there and wants to challenge him to corn hole.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Feeling sad and low on cash this Christmas, you’ll buy your friends and family socks as gifts. There won’t be any special pattern or significance to the articles of clothing, they’ll just be plain white crew socks. Merry Christmas!
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In order to stay healthy this Thanksgiving, you’ll plan an all vegetarian meal. Instead of Tofurky, though, you’ll mold a bird out of brussels sprouts and corn on the cob. The unholy dinner will be a low point of the holiday season.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll help the Mobile City Council resolve its property sales impasse by negotiating a sale of the city itself to Jeff Bezos. Under the agreement, the giant tech company he owns will pay for city services and the name will change to Amazaon, Alabama.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll solve the city’s annexation debate by suggesting Mobile take on West Mobile as a territory. The area will have its own partial system of government with its own non-voting member of council, but will be counted as part of the population.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — To make yourself feel more like a man, you’ll stroll out to the new AARP fitness park and challenge each of the seniors there to fist fights. When a former Marine takes you up on the offer, you’ll regret your decision.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your screenplay about a superhero football coach named Dick Maybin will be picked up to series by Disney’s new streaming service. In the pilot episode, Dick finally vanquishes Gumbo Man after an initial loss.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).