Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — As the only member of The Collective, you’ll be removed by security from the annual MoonPie Over Mobile and put under house arrest after rushing the stage in enthusiasm over Collective Soul. Enjoy being bored in 2020.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Spurred on by Mayor Sandy Stimpson’s ill-fated “safest city” pledge, you’ll promise your significant other you’ll drink less in 2020. Unfortunately, you’ll break that promise on Jan. 2 after five old fashioneds at The Haberdasher.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — To capture the excitement and tax revenue of Fairhope’s tree lighting, you’ll approach Robertsdale with a new way to ring in the New Year. Next year, the city will throw a plaster cow from the top of the county annex. Shards of plaster will snarl traffic for hours. It’ll be very similar to the Fairhope event.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll run for mayor of West Mobile on a platform that keeps goats, horses and other barnyard animals legal within the city limits. You’ll be swept into office on the promise of a rooster in every yard and a cul-de-sac on every street.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — As a devout Bammer, you’ll go to Auburn for the Iron Bowl despite the absence of what is probably the Tide’s best passer ever. Auburn will win the game and, as expected, Barners will rush the field over a meaningless game.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Making your way out to the Cookout by USA’s campus for the first time, you’ll be overwhelmed with the sheer number of choices. After several minutes, you’ll mutter, “milkshakes?” and drive away.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As a Barner, you’ll be dismayed to find yourself marooned in Tuscaloosa during the last game of the Crimson Tide’s season. However, after a few drinks, you’ll put your differences aside and observe the tradition of adding unnecessary expletives to country music.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In a fit of anger in the middle of the night, you’ll remove yourself from an office text chain after the constant buzzes from your insomniac coworkers keeps you awake. Because of the removal, you’ll miss the electronic announcement about an emergency meeting and be fired.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You get caught stealing satsumas off of your neighbors’ tree. You reassure them that you won’t do it again, seeing as how their tree is now empty and the season is over, but you don’t make any promises about their sweet potatoes.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll accidentally begin an intermittent fast after forgetting your lunch during a busy day. After a few hours you’ll become so hangry co-workers offer to buy you food. By the end of the shift, a guy from IT will start literally just throwing peanuts at you.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Anticipating a Black Friday doorbuster on frozen turkeys, you fill your garage with deep freezers. You’ll lose your covered parking spot for the next year and still forget to thaw one out in time for Thanksgiving 2020.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Inspired by debates you’ve seen recently, you’ll get the idea to make Christmas Day a lot more interesting by challenging your family members to a series of discussions on the issues. It’ll end with you taking back all the gifts you bought for them.
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