Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll vow to stop listening to Christmas songs forever after visiting your wife’s family and hearing Dolly Parton’s “Hard Candy Christmas” over and over on a loop for four straight hours. The season will be ruined.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll be banned from Bellingrath Gardens after it’s discovered that for years you have been stealing intricate holiday lighting ideas from the grounds and recreating it in your own backyard. A poster of your face Photoshopped on the Grinch’s body will be circulated.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll learn the value of patience while putting together a swing set for your 3-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, patience won’t mean a whole lot when the child is screaming because her Christmas gift is not fully assembled by Mardi Gras.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll become irate at a reporter at this very newspaper after a story is published linking you to a series of very beautiful, yet kind of annoying, chalk graffiti tags downtown. They are easy to clean off, but hard to forget.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Hungry from a week on a very strict diet, you’ll break down during a visit to the Grand Hotel and devour as much of the gingerbread display as you can before security removes you from the premises. You’ll be banned for life.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To prevent non-residents from enjoying all that Fairhope has to offer, its City Council will approve the building of a wall around the corporate limits. Once the wall is finished a number of Mobile municipal employees will be unable to come to work.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll protest a future Planning Commission decision in your neighborhood by pitching a tent outdoors and living under the stars for a night. Unfortunately for your family, you’ll prefer it to doing the dishes, laundry and a normal bedtime routine. The beard will get a little itchy though.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Since you were a child, folks mispronouncing the name of the Senior Bowl’s title sponsor has grated your nerves. After years of taking it in stride, you’ll finally snap and manically correct everyone who passes downtown. You’ll metaphorically crack into 1 million pee-cees.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be hired as store manager for a new KFC on Dauphin Street near I-65. You’ll have heard about “chicken alley” among the businesspeople of Mobile, and in order to send a message to competitors, you’ll deliver lunches with a menacing message.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll be beaten up by a Mobile police officer, and much to your horror, the city will actually agree to release the body-camera footage to prove that you did, indeed, pee your pants. An unorthodox move that is for some reason very popular among young voters.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be one of a cavalcade of Mobilians to yell at the Santa Claus at a local Christmas parade. Much to your chagrin, it was the real Santa and you’ll get a bar of soap in your stocking with a request to wash your own mouth out. You’ll pledge to be nicer next time.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be one of the first passengers on the train when Amtrak brings service to New Orleans back to Mobile. The train is on time and everything is great, but you’ll drink too much on the ride over and only make it off the train and into the station before the next train comes.
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