Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— You’ll be hesitant to set more lofty New Year’s resolutions until you can achieve such simple tasks as visiting a clinic to determine the cause of your incessant itching and finally removing your ex from your expensive monthly phone plan. Then, and only then, should you consider going to court to modify your child support obligations. 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After becoming a victim of online bullying, you’ll contact the Mobile Police Department only to realize the perpetrator was, in fact, an MPD officer themselves. The dispatcher, seemingly annoyed, will tell you to “grow a pair” and stop wasting the department’s time.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Diehard Collective Soul fans will be annoyed when you request such ’90s radio hits as “3AM,” “Far Behind,” and “No Rain” at the MoonPie Drop, songs that definitely weren’t sung by Collective Soul, but certainly could have been. But you’ll be thrilled when they cover Ugly Kid Joe’s “Everything About You.”

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Unwilling to sell the National Championship tickets you prematurely bought for yourself and another Bama fan, you’ll head to New Orleans to watch LSU take on Clemson. When asked, you’ll say “the enemy of my enemy is still better than Auburn.”

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be as shocked as anyone after getting a call to interview for the Dallas Cowboys head coaching job. Though you have zero experience in professional football, you did peak in the ’90s and are a big disappointment now, so the front office thought it’d be a nice fit. 

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be shocked to find a song from one of your old mixtapes included in former President Barack Obama’s annual list of favorite music. However, you’ll quickly realize he could have only accessed this absolute banger through unconstitutional electronic surveillance. 

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Clad in the new underwear you got from your family at Christmas, you’ll “Risky Business” dance your way into the new year while wearing your best, pressed white button-down shirt and the Oakleys you wore as a teenager. However, at 35, you are no longer equipped with the back strength to pull off the dance. You’ll spend a week bedridden. 

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll commit “light” insurance fraud after it is discovered that your small yorkipoo is not, in fact, a second child. In an attempt to save you from the $50-per-month charge for an expensive allergy pill you added little Forte to your Blue Cross Blue Shield account. Enjoy prison. 

Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your unwavering dedication to your employer will be rewarded in 2020, as the sick days you’ve built up over 25 years are put to good use. Because of a loophole in the accounting system you’ll use those days to retire early. 

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll be confined to the upper floor of your Barner in-laws’ house to watch the Citrus Bowl. Your normal Bammer game-day routine of floor-stomping and screaming obscenities at the referees will be put on hold out of respect for your spouse’s parents. 

Libra (9/23-10/22) — After hitting the Champagne a little too hard the night before, 2020 will start with a two-day hangover. You’ll spend all day watching football in bed and then you’ll call in sick. There’s nothing like a headache for auld lang syne. 

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) —  You’ll win a free scratcher from the new Mississippi lottery and 2020 will be looking up, until you get home to your house in Alabama and remember you have piles of laundry and dishes that need to be cleaned.